Category: Humor

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5782.238

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

Caution the following is NSFW – Not Safe for Work – and more than a little randy… You have been appraised, proceed at your own risk.

It has been a great summer for watermelons.  On the way to the golf course is a vegetable stand, and I have been stopping there about once a week to buy us a specimen of this most wonderful of summer delectables.

Tonight as Señora partook of this treat  she moaned around  the red, luscious, juicy fruit,  “I hope I die eating watermelon.”

To which I replied, “I hope I die eating pussy.”

Not missing a beat Señora shot back, “At least I will know where to find the body.”

And yes Señora approved.

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Choice is Good

I have two frequent muses for my silly, little blog.  One is Señora. Most of the time she is okay with being my muse, sometimes she is tickled, and on occasion, she will arch one eyebrow and give me that look. After two bouts of the the brain fever known as matrimonitis I have gained enough “wisdom” to seek Señora‘s approval before releasing stories involving her into the wilds of cyberspace.

My other muse is The Wee Dog, aka Princess Lily, our 7 kilogram rescue dog. A year or so after we adopted her, on a whim – and on sale – we had her DNA tested.  She is 3/8 Bichon Frisé, 1/4 Dachshund, 1/8 Pomeranian, 1/8 Pekingese, 1/8 Shih Tzu and 100% adorable except to squirrels, rabbits, moles and especially chipmunks.

Señora and Princess Lily are essentially surgically/psychically/telepathically connected. Neither one of them can stand not knowing where the other is, generally they are in the same room together.  As revealed in True Confessions, I, by spells, have my roles to play in this ménage à chienne. For reasons known Continue reading “Choice is Good”

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5782.227

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

Today Señora was going to meet a friend for lunch. Normally when I see Señora around the hacienda she has on her I-have-five-loads-of-laundry-to-do-and-10-rows-of-corn-to-hoe outfit. When she came down to our little gym area to say goodbye to me she had put on a nice dress, fixed her hair and put on some makeup.

“You be sure to tell Roberts I am more than a  jealous of her, you getting all duded up like that for her,” I declared.

Before I could completely finish my thought, Señora ejaculated, “Bullshit…I brush my tooth every day for you!”

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Open or Closed?

Señora and I are having an ongoing “debate”.  After visiting the bathroom for a “meditation session”, do you leave the bathroom door shut or do you open it?  My opinion is that you leave it shut to trap the “aromas” therein, allowing them dissipated in due time.   Señora repeatedly opines that it is better to leave the door open to allow the “aromas” to dissipated quicker.

We keep a candle in there, but the problem with those is that I forget I have lit it.   I suppose that is a minor fire hazard, but mainly they are burning up very quickly.

On a semi-related note, did you know that there are soaps that are solely for decoration, that they are not there for the washing of your hands?

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I Just Lacked Patience

I spend hardly anytime on Nextdoor.  I actually have their notifications going to an email account I use if I think I might be spammed by a site or business.  Every day or two or three I flip through this account to see if there is anything of interest there, but mainly just to delete all the trash.  Today, however, one notification of a posting on Nextdoor caught my attention.

Sharon RottlerKirkwood Park / Meramec • 17 hr ago

Someone just left me $60 in cash on my front porch with a note that said “mailbox replacement “ . We have been talking about replacing our mailbox, just haven’t gotten around to it. If you left the cash, please let me know who you are and why you felt the need to give us money.?

Some of you, dear cherished readers, may remember a posting of mine, The Things We Notice, on this same channel.  In that posting I touched on several things but one was the replacing of the post on which rides our mailbox.

After reading the Nextdoor posting, I quickly came to the conclusion that I had not been patient enough, that I should have listened to Señora’s encouragement just a little while longer before undertaking the much needed replacement of our mailbox post.  Since I replaced the old post with a new cedar post, since I reused the mailbox that Sarah had painted, since I did the labor myself, the $60 would have covered my costs, and it would have left me enough over for a six-pack of one of the craft beers that I so enjoy.  Ahhh…Grasshopper… patience.

You have to feel for the poster though.  She tossed a softball to all the trolls out there.  Some of the comments were just funny, but a least a couple were down right mean.  Life on line is not for the faint of heart at times.

And so it goes.

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I’m Too Sexy…

I found myself in my retirement sleeping in later than I cared to do, giving me a feeling that I had wasted half the day.   To give myself a purpose to rise at a reasonable hour I started setting my Skype Spanish lessons for 0900 hours or thereabouts. Not wanting to look totally like a homeless person on Skype while I am talking to folks in Central and South America, I usually shower first, get dressed and then sit in front of the camera.

Señora once told me all I need to do is put on a nice shirt as no one is going to see my from the waist down.  Well, I am not really willing to do that. Talk about your ugly American…  One morning I was running a little late so I grabbed a pair of shorts hanging Continue reading “I’m Too Sexy…”

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5782.202

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

Just to put this in context, Señora and I are fast approaching our 9th wedding anniversary.

So… I am sitting on the porcelain throne in the downstairs bathroom this morning reading a few pages from Rabbi Joseph Telushkin‘s delightful book, Words That Hurt, Words that Heal.

Interrupting my meditations and reading, there is a banging on the bathroom door followed by,  “Are you in there?”

In reply I said, “Of course I am, it is 0932 and I have had two cups of coffee.”

Señora goes on, “Do you want to get married again?”

To which I answered, “Will I have more privacy in the morning if we do?”

Apparently that was not the correct response.