Category: Humor

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The Cookie Jar

  We visited some friends this weekend in Chicago, well one of the northwest suburbs of Chicago.  Despite the frigid temperatures, we had a great time. In their dining room, on the sideboard, is this cookie jar, brazenly inscribed with the eighth commandment, “Thou shall not steal.”

I bring this up as it reminded me of a story I posted about ten years ago that I am going to recycle with some small revisions. Enjoy.

Once upon a time, back in the day, when my kidrens were still knee-high to the proverbial grasshopper, my arm could still be twisted to get me to attend Sunday church services. My son, David, must have been around 4 which would have put my daughter, Keely, at 8. We were living in Oklahoma City, attending  a Baptist church fairly regularly. Sporadically, before the main sermon, the preacher would have a children’s story. In the front of the church was a low stage with steps leading up to the pulpit. He would sit at the front of this stage and ask the children of the congregation to gather around him.

This particular Sunday he did that, made his invitation to the children, and off rushed our two kids. I do not remember exactly what the story was about, but it did involve a cookie jar and the partaking of the contents unauthorized.

The preacher looked at Keely and asked her, “Do y’all have a cookie jar at your house?”

To which she replied, “No.” Then she brightly added, “No, but we have a cookie bowl and Mommy hides it from Daddy as he gets into it all the time.”

The whole church burst out into laughter and turned to see me slinking down in my pew.

And so it went back in the “day”.

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A Profligate, A Wastrel, A Dissipater


At times Señora is such a spendthrift.  She is attempting to convince me that I have maximized the utility of this particular pair of Sperry boat shoes.

Puts me in mind of a picture that was most likely put in the trash years ago.  I had a t-shirt commemorating Arkansas Razorback basketball that I wore for years when I jogged – in Arkansas.  It got to the point that there was no cotton left in the t-shirt. Just the base polyester weave, making it entirely see-through.  A picture was taken of me as I very reluctantly placed it ever so gently in the kitchen trash can.  I was thinking it still had a few more jogging miles in it.

Truth is I have a couple of other pairs of boat shoes that I purchased as I thought perhaps these were a little tacky to wear most places, nearly as bad as wearing a pair of house shoes to the supermarket.   Don’t tell Señora, but I did put them in the trash can today.  For some reason it had become almost impossible to keep rocks and dirt out of them.

And so they went.

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I may be in a heap of trouble…

The following article popped up in my Google news feed: Nose Picking Could Increase Risk for Alzheimer’s and Dementia

The Carr side of my family is famous for faces endowed with distinctive sniffers.  I am no exception. My son used to refer to my proboscis as a B-52 Booger Bomber, for all I know he may still do so.

A well functioning airplane maintenance program includes keeping the aircraft clean, outside AND in. Being the son of aerospace technical representative, I have internalized his maxims about maintaining your tools and machines.  My rather cavernous airship definitely requires regular internal attention.  Respecting my father’s wise words I am more than prone to provide regular cleaning services… discreetly, I hope. And now I learn I may be pushing myself towards the dementia ward. YIKES.

And so it goes.

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Rev. Joe’s Random Thought #9,794

yeah I know you did not ask!

Beware – “adult” themed.

I wonder if this will become a new put down –”You’re no Pete Davidson.”

Or perhaps a woman being asked about her date last night.  She sighs and says, “Well… he definitely was no Pete Davidson.”

On the high probability that you have not been following the stupid news aka celebrity news, just type “Pete Davidson 10” into your favorite browser. The main reason I know anything about this is that Stephen Colbert make a joke about it.  Not understanding his reference, but suspecting, I did a Google search.

This puts me in mind of an article I posted years ago, Penis Sizes Of World Religious Figures,  which linked to the satirical article by Jim Goad of the same name, Penis Sizes Of World Religious Figures . At the bottom of that article was another link (I sweating from clicking all these links), 50 Women Talk About Having Sex With An Extremely Large (Or Extremely Small) Penis. All I can say is, “While I am the yin to your yang Pete, I am sorry, we all have crosses to bear.”

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Rev. Joe’s Random Thought #9,183

yeah I know you did not ask!

I have a recurring nightmare. I am somewhere in the afterlife, in a large room surrounded by all my old girlfriends and wives.  Every single one of them is wanting a “debriefing”, a rehashing of our relationship. There is a cacophonous chorus of “we need to talk.” I can find no possible exit, the floor refuses to swallow me up, they all start in on me simultaneously.

Of course this is somewhat reminiscence  of an episode of 3rd Rock from the Sun. The many ex-girlfriends of the French Stewart’s character, Harry Solomon, show up at the extraterrestrial’s apartment at the same time, much to his embarrassment and chagrin.

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5783.298

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

Señora and I were sitting at the kitchen table partaking of our evening repast.  She mentioned the upcoming birthday of a mutual acquaintance revealing that they were turning 70.  This somewhat surprised me as I did not realize that they were about to achieve this “milestone”.  Señora found this a little humorous.

I went on to say, “I don’t know how the f*** I got to be 70 years old.”

“You’ve managed not to croak this long,” she informed me, causing me to spew pasta upon the autumnal decorations anchoring the center of the table.

Words of wisdom from my own personal  rhabdomancer.

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Pity Laugh

We just got back from a week long road trip.  Our first stop was in Owensboro, KY to visit my Aunt Betty.  We got there about mid afternoon and spent most of the afternoon and evening visiting with her after checking into our motel.  The next morning we were going to meet her and some of my cousins for the traditional breakfast at Dee’s Diner.  Needing coffee I went to the breakfast area to get a cup for Señora and I.   As I was doctoring our coffees a young lady came in, pumped herself some coffee, added some cream, then begin looking around.

I asked her, “Are you looking for something?”

“Sugar,” she responded.

To which I replied, “Normally I am accommodating, but we just met!”

That is when I got the pity laugh.

Probably I am lucky I did not get my face slapped, but being elderly these sweet young things grant me some latitude… such as holding doors for me and allowing me to go in first.  They seem to think there is no bark left in this old hound dog.  Gotta love this getting old gig.

And so it is going.

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Not tonight…

I took a trip down to Mississippi for a few days to visit my buddy down there, and to get in a few rounds of golf with my old  – now really old – group of Mississippian golfing companions.

As is our wont each night Señora and I touched base  to hear each others’ voice and see how our respective days had gone.

My last night there towards the end of the phone call I suggested phone sex to Señora, more to pick at her than anything else.

She replied with little hesitation, “Not tonight Dear, I have a headache.”

Oh the thrill is gone.

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How Each Little Rascals Cast Member Died (Our Gang)

I subscribe to several YouTube channels and when I go there they usually have several “suggestions” directing you to the YouTube rabbit hole.  I fell into this one as I met a Little Rascal years ago.  Not one the original members recounted in this video, but a later replacement. But still a Little Rascal.  Follow this link to read about my encounter with this child actor: Dissed by a Little Rascal

It was a little traumatic at the time, but now I have a funny anecdote.

And so it goes.

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Rev. Joe’s Random Thought #3,773

yeah I know you did not ask!

Another random anecdote, Señora... I remember years ago – and I mean years ago – when I bought a pair of dress shoes for $50.  I thought I had done something extraordinarily extravagant.  Now days you cannot even buy a pair of junky sneakers for a Grant.  Heck, I just looked, you can spend close to a Benjamin on a pair of Crocs®!!!!

What started me down this path was the trip I took to Lowe’s this morning to buy some necessaries for fall yard work.  On the way there the dash board light came on in my pickup saying, “I’m hungry, feed me, feed me, I need push-a-line. ”

Without even having the time to wipe the tears out of my eyes I went through a c-note and a Jackson.

I think I have a sawbuck left in my wallet.

My how times have changed.

And so it goes.