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The Cabbie and The Nun
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: ‘I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.’
She answers, ‘ My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’
‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’
She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.’
The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’
‘OK’ the nun says. ‘Pull into the next alley.’
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
‘My dear child,’ said the nun, ‘Why are you crying?’
‘Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.’
The nun says, ‘That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.’
Sister Lorie on Oct 26, 2009
The Pecan Tree
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
‘One for you, one for me One for you, one for me,’ said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.. Sure enough, he heard,
‘One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.’
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
‘Come here quick,’ said the boy, ‘you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.’
The man said, ‘Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.’
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard , ‘One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.’
The old man whispered, ‘Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.’
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.’
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
The Joker on Oct 9, 2009
String in a Bar
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”
The string says,
“Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”
Rev. Joe Dirt on Oct 5, 2009
Two Women Meet in Heavan
1st woman: “Hi! My name is Wanda.”
2nd woman: “Hi! I’m Kelly. How’d you die?”
1st woman: “I Froze to Death.”
2nd woman: “How Horrible!”
1st woman: “It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?”
2nd woman: “I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.”
1st woman: “So, what happened?”
2nd woman: “I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.”
1st woman: “Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer — we’d both still be alive.”
Robin on Sep 28, 2009
Winning Nobel prize
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?”
The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”
“How?” asks the man, puzzled.
“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field.”
Robin Skye on Aug 19, 2009
The Water Closet
A certain English lady visited Switzerland and was having difficulty finding a room, so she asked the local schoolmaster to help her. After a satisfactory room had been found, she returned to her home and did some packing.
Suddenly, it occured to her that she hadn’t noticed a W.C. (in England, the toilet is called a Water Closet), so she wrote the schoolmaster about the W.C.
The Schoolmaster, not knowing the meaning, asked the parish priest and together they decided that it must mean “Wayside Chapel.”
He wrote her the following letter:
Dear Madame,
It is my pleasure to inform you that there is a W.C. just 9 miles from your home, in the center of a grove of pine trees. It seats 229 people, and it is open on Thursdays and Sundays. This is an unfortunate situation if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will, no
doubt, be glad to hear that some people bring their lunches and make a day of it.
I would especially recommend Thursdays, for then there is an Organ accompaniment. The acoustics in the W.C. are excellent; even the most delicate sound can be heard.
My son was married in the W.C. and there was such a rush for seats that 10 people had to sit in the same seat. The looks on their faces were very interesting.
My wife is sickly but dedicated. She doesn’t go regularly, and she hasn’t gone for nearly a year.
I will be glad to reserve a seat in the W.C. for you, where you will be seen and heard by everyone.
Hoping I have been of some assistance.
Sincerely yours,
The Schoolmaster
Robin Skye on Jun 2, 2009
3 Year Old Humor
How do you top a car?
Tep on the the brake tupid.
Rev. Joe Dirt on May 14, 2009
The Sadist
1st person: Do you know what a true sadist says when a masochists says, “Beat me, beat me.”
2nd person: No.
1st person: I knew you knew!
Rev. Joe Dirt on May 14, 2009
Macho Woman
The definition of a macho woman: She kick starts her vibrator.
Rev. Joe Dirt on May 14, 2009
Liberated Woman
The definition of a liberated woman: She does not always have to sleep on the wet spot.
Rev. Joe Dirt on May 14, 2009
Another Sadist
Definition of a true sadist: He farts when his wife’s head is under the covers.
Rev. Joe Dirt on May 14, 2009
Drawf Clairvoyant
What do you call a dwarf clairvoyant wanted by the police?
A small medium at large.
Lorie Meske on Mar 30, 2009
Smart Horse
A farmer discovered his horse was extraordinarily intelligent. You could ask it an arithmetic problem, and it would tap out the answer with a hoof. Researchers were fascinated and tested the horse. They discovered the horse understood algebra, Euclidean geometry, calculus, and even group theory. However, when they gave the horse problems with Cartesian coordinates, it just stood there dumbly, like any horse.
This was quite surprising, given how intelligent the horse was otherwise.
They brought in an expert who examined the situation and explained the problem: “Of course the horse cannot understand any Cartesian coordinates you show it. You are putting Descartes before the horse.”
Robin Skye on Mar 27, 2009
Farmer Needs a Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked “May I help you?”
The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce’s.
The attorney said, “well do you have any grounds?”
The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres”.
The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?”
The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I got a John Deere.”
The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”
The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”
The attorney said: “No sir, I mean do you have a suit”
The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear to the church on Sundays.”
The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”
The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”
Finally the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. “WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”
And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”
Robin Skye on Mar 24, 2009
Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”
The woman shakes her head, “no..”
Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?”
The woman begins to turn blue, and again shakes her head, “no.”
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it afore!”
Rev. Joe Dirt on Mar 21, 2009
Bad Puns
What did the dog say when it sat on sandpaper?
Ruff!
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad
What do you call a cow that won’t give milk?
A milk dud!
Robin Skye on Mar 10, 2009
Blonde Takes a Milk Bath
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, ‘I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?’
The blonde said, ‘I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.’
The milkman asked, ‘Do you want it pasteurized?’
The blonde said, ‘No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my face.’
Rev. Joe Dirt on Feb 24, 2009
Texan Farmer Travels
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large”.
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, ” We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows”.
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those”?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas”?
Robin Skye on Feb 17, 2009
Coma
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now. ….I think you bring me bad luck!”
Robin Skye on Feb 13, 2009
Helping Your Father
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
“You look hot, my son,” said the cleric. “why don’t you rest a moment, and I’ll give you a hand.”
“No thanks,” said the young man.
“My father wouldn’t like it.”
“Don’t be silly,” the minister said.
“Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.
Losing his patience, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”
“Well,” replied the young farmer, “he’s under the load of hay.”
Robin Skye on Feb 12, 2009
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
Because he was two tired 🙂
Imature 4 sure on Feb 12, 2009
Another Bad Pun
A man really detested by his friend for telling too many puns, was thrown into a closet, the door locked on him, and told “Pun your way out that!”
Are you ready……..
“Oh, pun the door!”
Dictionary Dude on Feb 10, 2009
Dyslexic Agnostic Insomniac
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
A: He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.
Robin Skye on Feb 10, 2009
My Blonde Sister
Two brunettes walking beside a stream were wondering how to make a dry crossing. Seeing a blond on the other side one brunette calls across to the blond and asks how to get the other side.
The blond responds, “Silly, you’re already on the other side!”
Brodie on Feb 10, 2009