| Bad Jokes from earlier times: | ||
| Bad Jokes – Main | Bad Jokes II | Bad Jokes I |
The Mammogram
“Your Honor, I’m guilty but … ”
While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, “Your Honor, I’m guilty but … There were extenuating circumstances.”
The female Judge said, sarcastically, “I’d certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances.”
I did too so I listened as the lady told her story.
“Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept.. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear who tilted her head to one side and crooned, “Hi! I’m Belinda! All I need you to do is step into
this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Is that clear?”
I’m thinking, Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science. Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?”
“Fine,” I answered.
I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!
Complete darkness, the power was off!
Belinda said, “Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag..” Then she headed for the door. “Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?” I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, “Oh, you fussy puppy…the door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.”
Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, “maintenance men extraordinaire” found me…half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging a polite Hi, how’s it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, “Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway.”
“OK, you take care now” Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, “Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?”
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps….”
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said “Case Dismissed!’
LKM 10-May-2011
CATHOLIC SHAMPOO
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice cold beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”
The second nun answered, “Indeed it would sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout.”
“I can handle that without a problem.” she replied as she picked up a six-pack an headed for the checkout.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. One of the nuns explained “We use beer for washing our hair, a shampoo of sort, if you will.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He looked the nun straight in the eye, said, “The curlers are on the house.”
LKM 14-Jun-2011
Kansas Farmer
The Kansas Department of Health and Environment claimed a Central Kansas farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
KS Govt employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
Farmer: Well, there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there’s the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
KS Govt employee: That’s the guy I want to talk to… the mentally challenged one.
Farmer: That would be me.
LKM 16-Jun-2011
At the Gym
An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a hottie. He asked the trainer that was near by, “What machine in here should I use to impress that babe over there?”.
The trainer looked him up and down and said, “I would try the ATM in the lobby.”
Monthly Meeting
On the way to a monthly meeting, an elderly lady was stopped by a highway patrolman.
He asked for her drivers license and insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to the patrolman. In with the cards he was surprised to see she had a conceal carry permit. He looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
Something, body language or the way she said it, made him ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9 mm Glock in her center console.
Now he had to ask one more time if that was all, and she responded once again she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.
The officer then asked her what was she so afraid of.
She looked him right in the eye and said, “Not a damn thing!”
redwards 07-Jun-2011
Life as a child growing up in Texas ….
Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take6 rounds before it goes down?
Tough sumbitch.
That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old “Dukes of Hazzard” fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place.
One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let’s face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, ether really doesn’t “sound” flammable.
So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles). At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, 1 lb. pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know?
You know what? Screw that I’m going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we’re cookin’.
I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck… “OH SHOOT”! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motionwith a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh shoot.
When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet.I don’t know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a illisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low-to-the-ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.
The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this…
“THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE”!!!!!!!
There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said “was”. That sumbitch got up and ran off.
So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam
flashback:
“ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU’RE BRINGIN’ EM IN TOO CLOSE!!
CEASE FIRE. DAMN IT CEASE FIRE”!!!!!
His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.
I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don’t know – I know I said something. I couldn’t hear. I couldn’t hear inside my own head. I don’t think he heard me either…not that it would really matter. I don’t remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later….repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming “Bring him back to life so I can kill him again”. Thanks Mom.
One thing is for sure… I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled
business.
Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It’s good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.
redwards 01-Jul-2011
CONFUCIUS DIDN’T SAY
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up womans’ leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .
“A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!”
dluttbeg 27-Apr-2011
Understand now…
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference
between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED , in a way that’s easy to understand.
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED .
I beg to differ because, there is :
When you marry the right woman, you are “COMPLETE”.
And when you marry the wrong one, you are “FINISHED” !
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one ,
you are … “COMPLETELY FINISHED” !!!
dluttbeg 26-Apr-2011
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course…
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years…
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency…
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty…
Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps…One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures…
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
dluttbeg 26-Apr-2011
Irish Caddy
A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole. He asks his Irish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:
“Aye, there’s a piece of shyt on the end of your driver. ”
The Golfer picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says:
“No, the other end.”
dluttbeg 26-Apr-2011
The Tractor
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T- shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?”
“Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. “But me’n the Ol’ Lady been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom d’partment, and the therapist suggested I do ‘something sexy to a tractor’.”
It’s OK to make fun of rednecks.
Sexy Goose 05-Apr-2011
How the Fight Started – Part 1
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,”Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..
bjweb 31-Mar-2011
How the Fight Started – Part 2
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said,
‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time,simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said,
“Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
bjweb 31-Mar-2011
How the Fight Started – Part 3
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started….. .
bjweb 31-Mar-2011
How the Fight Started – Part 4
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend… I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…
bjweb 31-Mar-2011
How the Fight Started – Part 5
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
bjweb 31-Mar-2011
How the Fight Started – Part 6
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
bjweb 31-Mar-2011
How the Fight Started – Part 7
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
bjweb 31-Mar-2011
How the Fight Started – Part 8
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started…….
bjweb 31-Mar-2011
How the Fight Started – Part 9
After retiring, I went to the Social Security officeto apply for Social Security.The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver’s License to verify my age.I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office…
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…
bjweb 31-Mar-2011
How the Fight Started – Part 10
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..
bjweb 31-Mar-2011
The Golf Ball and The Sand Wedge
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The man says, ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy -‘I have a golf ball.’
Man – ‘That’s nice.’
Boy – ‘Want to buy it?’
Man – ‘No, thanks.’
Boy – ‘My dad’s outside.’
Man – ‘OK, how much?’
Boy – ‘$250’
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the closet together..
Boy – ‘Dark in here.’
Man – ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy – ‘I have sand wedge.
‘The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?’
Boy – ‘$750’
Man – ‘Sold.’
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, ‘Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let’s go outside and have some short game practice.
The boy says, ‘I can’t, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.’
The father says, ‘What?! How much did you sell them for?’
Boy – ‘$1,000.’
The father says, ‘That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.’
They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The priest says, ‘Don’t start that shit with me again. You’re in my closet now.’
pshelby 31-Mar-2011
Love is Blind
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant.
While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.”
“So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut.”
“I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”
“Oh wow! I see,” Ed replied.
He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
pshelby 28-Mar-2011
Communication
Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, “I love you.”
She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It’s me…………. talking to the beer.”
dluttbeg 17-Mar-2011
When Insults Had Class
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.”
He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” – Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go..” – Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
dluttbeg 28-Feb-2011
Drunk
A man was in a bar about as drunk as its possible to get.
A group of men notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.
He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, “We brought your husband home.”
The wife asks, “Where’s his wheelchair?”
dluttbeg 14-Feb-2011
New Truck
I bought a new Chevy Avalanche and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
‘Nelson,’ the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, ’Ricky or Willie?’
‘Willie!’ he continued and ‘On The Road Again’ Came from the speakers.
Then he said, ‘Ray Charles!’, and in an instant ‘ Georgia On My Mind’ replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, Every time I’d say, ‘Beethoven,’ I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said, ‘Beatles,’ I’d get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, ‘Ass Hole!’ Immediately the radio responded with, which one, Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, or Sarah Palin?
Damn
I love this truck…
hhofher 9-Feb-2011
Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”
She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken.
She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”
Guess where I am now…
Reta K. 8-Feb-2011
The Yellow Toad
So, there’s this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda ticked off because he doesn’t want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were green like the other toads. He’d sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway, this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
He begs her: “Fairy godmother, please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such like.”
The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says, “Toadra-capokus! You’re green!”
The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: “Wait a minute! My pecker’s still yellow!”
To this the fairy godmother replies: “I don’t do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that.”
The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he also encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: “Fairy godmother, please make me brown like all the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account that the hunters can spot me from a mile off.”
She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: “Bearus-cadabra! You’re brown!”
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries. They remain purple.
He says: “My Wang is still purple!”
She says: “I don’t do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that.”
To this the bear replies: “Well that’s just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?”
The fairy godmother answers: “That’s easy… Just follow the yellow dick Toad!”
hhofher 8-Feb-2011
Ken’s First Bike
Ken wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
‘Well, it’s quite simple, really,’ says the seller, ‘whenever the bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.’ And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ‘I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.’ ‘When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.’
‘No problem,’ he says. And in they go.
Ken is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Ken decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. ‘She’s got a great body,’ he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still, Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Ken remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket…
Suddenly the father shouted….
‘I’ll do the damn dishes!
Rev. Joe 4-Feb-2011
Nat the Snake
There was a town that had a snake as a mascot. The snakes name was Nate. In this self-same town was a lever that if it was ever pulled the whole town would blow up.
One day a citizen of the town was driving through town. He saw Nate, the snake, slithering across the road. He panicked and made a sharp left hitting the lever, and thus blowing up the whole town.
The moral of this story: Better Nate than lever.
Rev. Joe 31-Jan-2011
The Vulture and Pals
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
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-Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
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Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?”, they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
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A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal
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A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
hhofner 31-Jan-2011
Biker
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“I’m going to commit a suicide,” she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity he asked “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a Kiss?”
So, she does.
After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?”
My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl……”
Brother J 28-Jan-2011
Pedophiles
Say what you will about pedophiles, they ALWAYS drive slow by school yards and playgrounds.
Rev. Joe 28-Jan-2011
Rabbits
What did the boy rabbit say to the girl rabbit?
“This won’t take long, did it!”
Rev. Joe 28-Jan-2011