Well not bad jokes, but jokes that make you laugh and other folks groan. Those are the ones that tickle “me fancy”.
Click the the link below and add your 2 cents worth…
| Bad Jokes from earlier times: | ||
| Bad Jokes III | Bad Jokes II | Bad Jokes I |
The Martians
A couple was driving down the road when a spaceship landed in front of their car. Two aliens got out, they said, “We’re a Martian couple, we came down here to have sex with Earthlings and see what that’s like. Do you want to have sex with us?” The couple looked at each other and figured, what the hell, when are we going to have this chance again, so they agreed.
So, the female alien went off with the male earthling, and the female earthling and the male alien went off to do their thing. Things were getting hot and heavy between them when the male martian took off his pants and said to the woman, “Well, what do you think?” She said, “Well, to be honest, it’s smaller than what I’m used to, but I guess it’s OK.”
The martian said, “No, no, that’s not all. You see, you pull on my left ear to make it bigger. And you pull on my right ear to make it wider. That way it grows to exactly the size you like.” The woman said, “oh wow,” pulled on his ears, and they had great sex.
Later on, she met back up with her boyfriend and she said, “Well, how was it for you?” He replied, “I guess it would have been OK, but it was hard to concentrate because she just kept on tugging on my ears!”
DSR 03-2024
Greek and Irishman were having coffee…
Over a double Latte, the Greek mentions, “We built the Parthenon you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo”.
“Aye, and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter solstices”.
“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to mathematics.”
“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”
Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”
“Aye! True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved.”
HH 02-2024
I need a push
A man and his wife are awakened at 3:00 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it’s 3 a.m. in the morning and it’s pouring out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing,” replies the drunk.
PSS 02-2024
Quasimodo’s Replacement
After Quasimodo’s death, Bishop Thomas of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day.
Just then a lone, arm-less man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.
Bishop Thomas was incredulous. ‘You have no arms.’
”No matter,’ said the man, ‘observe!’ He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, ‘Bishop, who was this man?’
‘I don’t know his name,’ the bishop sadly replied, ‘but his face rings a bell.’
HH 09-2022
Puns-R-US
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by I kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
HH 06-2022
“You drinking?”
The officer said, “You drinking?”
I said, “You buying?”
We just laughed and laughed….I need bail money.
HH 06-2022
DEFINITELY UNACCEPTABLE HUMOR (not PC, but funny)
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”
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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.
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My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
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A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening”.
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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
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At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa !!!
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One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
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There’s a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I’ve been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
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Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” To which she replied, “No, it’s regular people-porn, you sick bastard.
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A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a mustache.”
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The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway
JMR 06-2022
An elderly gentleman
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’
JN 01-2022
The Car Crash
Three buddies die in a car crash and they find themselves at an orientation in Heaven. Each man is asked, “When you’re lying in your casket & friends and family are mourning, what would you most like to hear them say about you?”
The first man says, “I’d like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a family man.”
The second man says, “I’d like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband & school teacher who made a huge difference in children’s lives.”
The third man says, “I’d like to hear them say, ‘LOOK, He’s Moving!’
JN 01-2022
Two 90-year-old women
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s soft-ball there.”
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”
“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Barb, it’s me, Rose.”
“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.
“Rose! Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.
“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching Tuesday.”
JN 01-2022
A Couple in Their Nineties
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure..’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast ?’
JN 01-2022
Hospital Regulations
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet — who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked if his wife was meeting him.
“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
JN 01-2022
Two elderly gentlemen
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree.
One turns to the other and says,
“John, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age, how do you feel?”
John replies, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really! Like a newborn baby, you say?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, I wear a diaper, and I even drool on myself.”
JN 01-2022
Good News, Bad News
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in any of the paintings he currently had on display.
“Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you,” the owner replied.
“What’s the good news?” the artist asked.
“Well, a gentleman inquired about your work and he asked me whether the paintings would appreciate in value after your death,” the owner explained. “And when I told him they would, he bought all 30 of your paintings.”
“Wow, that’s fantastic news!” the artist said. “So, what’s the bad news?”
“The gentleman said he was your doctor,” the owner replied.
JN 01-2022
Jewish Bra
A young Jewish man walks into the Lingerie Department. He tells the saleslady, “I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34C.
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, “What kind of bra?”
He repeated, “A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted.”
“Ah, now I remember,” said the saleslady. “We don’t get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.”
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked “So, what are the differences?
The saleslady responded. “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.”
He mused on that information for a minute and said: “Hmm…I know I’ll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?”
“Ah, the Jewish bra,” she replied “makes mountains out of molehills”.
RSW 04-2021
Old Age
- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
- Old age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
- Old age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
- A man has reached old age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.
- Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- You’re getting old when you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
JMR 11-2019
Gotta love older people!
While Bob was sunbathing naked at the beach at Green Valley, for the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, “If you were a gentleman, you’d lift your hat..”
He raised an eyebrow and replied, “Madam, if you were better looking, it would lift itself.”
JMR 11-2019
Changing Values As We Age
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady. “I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.”
“But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!”
JMR 11-2019
LEXOPHILIA – WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?
A lexophile of course!
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn’t control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro – what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
HH 08-Dec-17
University Penis Study
A research was funded to see why the head of a man’s Penis was wider than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, the University of Texas concluded that the reason that the head was wider than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex….
After UT published their findings, the University of Nebraska decided to conduct their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of intensive research, they concluded that the reason the penis head was wider than the shaft was to give the woman more intense pleasure during sex…..
Texas A&M University, unsatisfied with the findings, decided to conduct their own study. After 2 short weeks and a total cost of around $75.46… along with 2 cases of Beer, the Aggies concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
HH 9-July-2014
Chicago
I was in St. Pete’s Beach, Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, “I miss Chicago.”
So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read, “I hope this helps!”
HH 9-July-2014
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, “Do you have a condom?”
Donald frowned and said, “No.”
Daisy told Donald that if he didn’t get a condom, they could not have sex.
“Maybe they sell them at the front desk,” she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
“Yes, we do,” the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, “Would you like me to put them on your bill?”
“Thit No!” Donald quacked, “I’ll thuffocate!”
HH 9-July-2014
Daylight Savings Time
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, “You dumb shit! – You’re supposed to turn your clock back”.
HH 9-July-2014
Two Bees Met In A Field – Jewish Humor
Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, “The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there isn’t any flowers so I can’t make honey.
“No problem,” said the first bee, “Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars.There’s a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit.”
“Thanks for the tip,” said the second bee who then flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, “How did it go?”
“Great!” said the second bee. “It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table.”
“Uh, what’s that thing on your head?” asked the first bee.
“That’s my yarmulke,” said the second bee . “I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp.”
HH 9-July-2014
WOMAN SUES HOSPITAL
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St. Luke’s Hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, “Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight…”
HH 9-July-2014
MASSACHUSETTS STUDY -Thank Goodness the Dead Crow Mystery Has Been Solved.
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say “Cah”, none could say “Truck”.
HH 9-July-2014
Wife from Hell
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”
The driver says, “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly, dear — you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?!!”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well dear, you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am? ”
“Only when he’s been drinking.”
HH 9-July-2014
Fitting In
The Priest said, “Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. ”
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, “Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.”
Sister Mary Katherine said, “Hard bed.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” the Priest said, “We will get you a better bed.”
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
“You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.”
“Cold food,” said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. “You may say two words today.”
“I quit,” said Sister Mary Katherine.
“It’s probably best,” said the Priest, “You’ve done nothing but bitch since you got here.”
HH 9-July-2014
SCOTUS
The difference between the Supreme Court and the Ku Klux Klan is that the members of the Supreme Court dress in black robes and scare white people.
HH 9-July-2014
Blonde in Plane
This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot . He has a heart attack and dies . She, frantic, calls out a May Day .”May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead . And I don’t know how to fly . Help me! Please help me!”
She hears a voice over the radio saying: “This is Air Traffic Control, and I head you loud and clear . I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground . I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem . Now just take a deep breath . Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position”
She says, “I’m 5’4″ and I support the Tea Party . . ”
“O . K . ” says the voice on the radio . . . .
“Repeat after me: Our Father Who Art in Heaven”
HH 9-July-2014
Me too….
Question: If Ted Cruz and John Boehner were both on a sinking ship, who would be saved?
Answer: America.
HH 9-July-2014
Smile…..!
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”
The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street and turn to your right.”
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”
The little boy replied with a chuckle. “You’re bullshitting me, right? You don’t even know the way to the Post Office!”
HH 9-July-2014
WOMEN ARE UNIQUE ….
Husband’s Text Message
Honey, a car hit me when I was out of the office. Paula brought me to the hospital.
They have been taking tests and X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very strong, fortunately it seems that it did not cause any serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot.
Wife’s Response:
Who’s Paula?
HH 9-July-2014
Mayonnaise
Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 120,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank.
The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as –
Sinko De Mayo.
WHAT??? You expected something educational from me?
You need a shot of Tequila
HH 9-July-2014
Over 65
Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”
Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
Cowboy: “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…..”
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit…………
***********
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, “Is that Corona or Bud?”
I said, “There’s a tap underneath; taste it and find out.”
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
“Really” she said, “Go on then…try.”
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”
I said, “Yesterday.”
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, “Nice legs.”
The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so.”
I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
DL 9-July-2014
The Decision
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay You’ll walk again and everything. However, your penis was severed in the accident, and we couldn’t find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1000 an inch.”
The man perks up.
So,” the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”
“Yes, I have,” says the man.”And has she helped you make a decision?”
“Yes” says the man.”What is your decision?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting granite counter tops.”
DL 9-July-2014
WISDOM OF AN OLDER MAN!
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
“Excuse me. I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow said, “Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?”
“I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits ike yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.”
DL 9-July-2014
GRANDMAS ARE SMART
I was out walking with my grandson. He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that.
“Why?” my grandson asked.
“Because it’s been on the ground; you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs. Sometimes germs make little boys sick and not feel good” I replied.
At this point, my grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are
so smart.”
I was thinking quickly and said to him, “All Grandmas know
stuff. It’s on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Grandma.”
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information. “Oh…I get it! He beamed, so if you don’t pass the test you have to be the Grandpa.”
“Exactly,” I replied with a big smile on my face.
UR 9-July-2014
My first drink with my son.
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Fosters He didn’t like it – so I had it.
Then I got him a Carling Black Label, he didn’t like it, so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the stroller back home.
UR 9-July-2014
CBS GOLF ANNOUNCER
Feherty is a CBS and Golf Channel announcer, who finds very unique, colorful and uninhibited ways of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind … (probably always on time delay these days).
FEHERTY QUOTES:
He said one day, “It would be easier to pick a broken nose, than a winner in that group.”
“Fortunately, Rory is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body.”
“That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn’t find it if it was wrapped in bacon.”
“I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn’t be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife.”
Jim Furyk’s swing “looks like an octopus falling out of a tree.”
Describing VJ Singh’s prodigious practice regime – “VJ hits more balls than Elton John’s chin.” (Thought I was going to hurt myself laughing at this one.)
“That’s a great shot with that swing.”
“It’s OK – the bunker stopped it.”
At Augusta 2011 – “It’s just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it.”
“That was a great shot – if they’d have put the pin there today.”
“Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff.”
“That green appears smaller than a Pygmie’s nipple”.
HH 9-July-2014
Good News/Bad News for the Pope
The Supreme Being appeared in front of the Pope and said “I have some good news and some bad news, which do you want first?”
The Pope thought good news, bad news from the Good Lord, so he asked for the good news first.
“Well, The Lord said “I’m tired of all the different religions fighting over whose God is the true God, from now on we’ll have ONE TRUE RELIGION AND WORSHIP THE ONE TRUE GOD.”
The Pope responded “That’s wonderful, it’s about time Lord, but, what pray tell could be the bad news?”
And the Lord told the Pope “I want your ass in Salt Lake City Monday morning.”
HH 9-July-2014
Fred and the Rooster
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing theroosters coming, would run for cover. To Fred’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City how and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pullet surprise” as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can’t always hear the bells.
HH 9-July-2014
NOW THAT’S A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!
Late in the night he regained consciousness. He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital’s ICU, with tubes up his nose and wires monitoring every function. He realized he’d obviously been in a serious accident.
A gorgeous nurse was hovering over him. She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”
DL 9-July-2014
MY JOB DESCRIPTION
Someone once asked me, what is your job?”
I replied, “I am my wife’s sexual adviser.”
Somewhat shocked, they said “I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?”
“Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she’ll ask me for it.
ME 17-June-2014
Bad for Legs
A man walks into a bar and sees an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, “May I buy you a cocktail?”
No thank you,” she replies, “alcohol is bad for my legs.”
“Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?”
“No, they spread.”
DL 11-June-2014
The Lie Detector Robot
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
“Son, where were you today?”
The son says “at school dad.”
Robot slaps the son!
“Ok, I watched a DVD at my friends house!” the son says.
“What dvd?” asks the father
“Toy story.”
Robot slaps the son again!
“Ok, it was a porno” cries the son.
“What!? When I was your age I didn’t know what porn was” says the dad. Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs “HaHaHa! He’s certainly your son.”
Robot slaps the mom!
Awkward Silence…….
PS 24-Oct-2011
Chinese Sex
While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the
US , we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not!
I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
“Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself…!”
DL 23-Oct-2011
Dyslexia
After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, “You idiot! You’re supposed to turn your clock back!”
DL 22-Oct-2011
Fable of the Porcupine
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.
After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their
companions or disappear from the Earth.
Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close
Relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.
The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities.
The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the pricks in your life!
PS 21-Oct-2011
English lesson
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that is easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, there is a difference.
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. And when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are —COMPLETELY FINISHED!
My work is done….
RK 20-Oct-2011
Ideal Husbands
While creating husbands,God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.
And then she made the earth round.
That God – She’s such a joker!
UR 12-May-2011
The World’s Shortest Psychiatric Joke
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office, wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap…
The psychiatrist says, ‘Well, I can clearly see!
UR 12-May-2011
Politically Incorrect
In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it’s Africa.
One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans and African Americans is not the correct answer.
I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
A new Muslim clothing shop opened here, but I’ve been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A friend of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, “How can you tell them apart?” He said, “Her brother has a mustache.”
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said “I can’t wait for the new 911 to arrive!” Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk …”I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” To which she replied, “No, it’s regular porn, you sick bastard.”
The Red Cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.
UR 6-Jun-2011
Mother of the Bride
Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ”Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”
Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, and dear…..I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.”
(Now I ask you – is s there a woman out there, anywhere, who wouldn’t enjoy this story?)
UR 27-Jun-2011
On a golf tour in Newfoundland
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Mike Weir drives his new Ford Fusion into a gas station in a remote town. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is…
“How’s she cuttin’ bye” (boy) says the attendant. Mike nods a quick ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are dose?” asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Mike.
“Well, what on god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the attendant.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Mike.
“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Newfoundlander, “Ford tinks of everyting!”
UR 28-Jun-2011
Tie Anyone?
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding across the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties…
The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $25.”
The Taliban shouted, “You Idiot! I do not need an over-Priced tie… I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”
“OK,” said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice coldwater you need. Shalom.”
Shouting and cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill towards the water destination.
Several hours later he staggered back over the desert hill, almost dead, and said: “Your brother won’t let me in without a tie…..”
DL 15-Sep-2011
Short Joke
A man goes into a Barnes and Noble and asks the young female clerk, “Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can’t remember the title. ”
She replies, “I’m not sure if it’s in yet.”
The man said, “That’s the one. I’ll take a copy.”
SS 13-Sep-2011
Amazing, simple home remedies:
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. for high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over slapping the snooze button.
5. if you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life – wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.
Thought for the day: some people are like slinkies – not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when they’re pushed down the stairs
DL 19-Sep-2011
Police STOP at 2 AM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of ight.
The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
LKM 19-Sep-2011
A Clear Answer
An American tourist asks a Newfoundlander: “Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Newfoundlander replies: “Lord thunderin’ Jesus, you must be stunned as me arse. If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the fuckin boat!”
UR 03-Oct-2011
Nutritional Information
A doctor was addressing a large audience in London.
“The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realise the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and most of us have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 76-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and said softly: “Wedding Cake?”
RK 03-Oct-2011
Cardiologist’s Funeral
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life… A huge heart… covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, ‘I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral… I’m a gynecologist.
The proctologist fainted
PS 15-Oct-2011
Now this is my type of bad joke
A clerk in the hospital went into the doctor’s lounge and stated that a patient was in the waiting room saying he was invisible. The doctor looked at the clerk and told her “tell the customer we cannot see him today. (lol)
RK 18-Oct-2011
The Entertainer
An entertainer came to the hospital to visit and cheer up the patients. As he was leaving a patient’s room after singing for the sick one, he remarked, “I sure hope you get better.” The patient replied, “I hope you do too.”
RK 18-Oct-2011
Grandma
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ….. ‘Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?’
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew…… ‘Bastards won’t let me fart’.
HH 12-Oct-2011
D*mn Apple!….. iHurt !
It all began with an iPhone . .
In March, my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn’t?
In July, I celebrated my birthday and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.
My other son’s birthday was in August so I got him an iPod Touch.
September came along so for her birthday, I got my wife an iRon. It was around about then that the fight started . . . What my wife clearly failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I am in recovery now and they tell me I should be out of the hospital in 3 to 4 weeks…
iHurt
iLove this.
RK 12-Oct-2011
British Humour
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did… she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy.
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
Question – Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said “I am not understanding the question please.”
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries!
Old man
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office and while there the doctor asked for a sperm count. (Don’t ask)
He gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
“Well, doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn’t get the jar open.”
RSW 090-Sep-2011
Bringing Religion to a Bear
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all met to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
“Well,” he said,“ I went into the woods to find a bear. When I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me, and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, “WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just as you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!”
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast, in traction, with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it ….. circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”
HH 07-Sep-2011
Yard Sign
I saw a yard sign that said:
NEED HELP, CALL JESUS
1 800 505 3787
Out of curiosity, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
dluttbeg 31-Aug-2011
The 10 Best Caddy Replies
# 10 — Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
# 9 — Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
# 8 — Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
# 7 — Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”
# 6 — Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”
# 5 — Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of A distraction.”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”
# 4 — Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”
# 3 — Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”
# 2 — Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”
# 1 — Best Caddy Comment Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”
dluttbeg 31-Aug-2011
Chore for a lazy man
A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 20 and said: “I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest.”
19 men raised their hands, and the Sergeant asked the other man “why didn’t you raise your hand?”
The man replied: “Too much trouble, Sarge.”
RKidd 24-Aug-2011
Moose Hunters
Two hunters -Stosh and Stan – got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big bull moose.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear, and one moose.
The hunters objected strongly, saying, “Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both. And he had exactly the same airplane as yours.”
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing, and sleeping bags, Stosh and Stan survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Stosh asked Stan, “Any idea where we are?”
Stan replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
JMR 03-Jun-2011
Canadian Jokes
Joke # 1
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona”‘ The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers,’ a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson?”
The Molson Canadian president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”
Joke #2
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, “Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?”
“I got it for my wife, eh,” answers Bob.
“Oh!” exclaims Doug, “Good trade.”
Joke #3
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, “Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?”
“Sure, it’s easy,” replied the neurosurgeon. “All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you’ll be a Newfie.”
He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon’s knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient’s brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient’s brain.
The surgeon was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient’s bed as he recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him, “I’m terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.”
The patient replied, “Qu’est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?”
Joke #4
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia ?
The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
Joke #5
In Canada , we have two seasons… six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
Joke #6
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!”
Joke #7
A Quebecer staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
“Black pepper, or white pepper?” asked the concierge.
“Toilette pepper!” yelled the Quebecer.
Joke #8
An American, a Scot, and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
“Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.”
“That’s amazing!” said the one of the doctors. “But what happened to the other two?”
“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Scot was haggling over the price, and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.”
JMR 11-Jun-2011