I have a couple of confessions to make. The first one is that La Señora and I are in a ménage à chienne. Right about now I can hear a few of y’all going, “huuu-UH.” I do not think I would be amiss in believing that most folks pass the age of puberty are familiar with the phrase ménage à trios. It is a French term for a household of three that we have co-opted and modified to be a synonym for a threesome. Now hearken back to your high school French, in that language the word for dog is chien or in the case of a female dog, chienne. Putting it all together we have… Continue reading “True Confessions”
Rev. Joe’s Random Thought #1,801
yeah I know you did not ask!
I am here to tell you, that flapping your arms while standing on the bathroom scales does nothing to lower the maldito numbers displaying on the digital dial of aforementioned monstrosity. Neither does exhaling your breath forcibly, standing on one leg, peeking at the readout from the corner of one eye…
Rev. Joe’s Random Thought #4,845
yeah I know you did not ask!
After much gnashing of teeth, after much scrutinizing of checking accounts, after accepting that she would not be 21 again, Señora bit the proverbial bullet and bought herself hearing aids.
This purchased has wrought an unexpected change in my life. In the past when we had a cross transaction I was wont to mutter some reply under my mustache, knowing that it was very unlikely that she would hear my utterance, thus avoiding fueling whatever fire was raging. If she noticed my lips moving, and asked what I said, I would disingenuously reply, “That I love you.” That is no longer an option. I know this to be true as I was in my man cave upstairs talking back to a balky computer when from the kitchen downstairs I heard her ask, “What did you say dear?”
Hopefully I am not too old a dog to learn a new trick, and can avoid being taken to the pound.
Let me see, how many cliches did I manage to get into three short paragraphs…
Keep well.
Rev. Joe buys a blow-up doll
In any workplace with one or more persons, you are likely to encounter one or more “characters”. My first job in Information Technology was with a large national manufacturing concern at their Ft. Smith, AR plant, at that time their administrative offices were also there. For reasons unclear, hopefully not dark and mysterious, there dwelt more than the normal allowance of characters at the plant and offices, perhaps a birds-of-a-feather phenomenon.
One such character was Jon, a computer operator who had worked there for many years. Jon did not achieve his character-hood for his activities at work, but for his personal life. He had been married 7 or 8 times, no one was quite sure, Continue reading “Rev. Joe buys a blow-up doll”
The Pandemic Blues
Language alert!
In an email to a friend I made a wisecrack about singing The Pandemic Blues. He replied he had not heard that one, but someone had sent him a link to the Stay the F*** at Home! He then asked for a link to the The Pandemic Blues. I explained that I was being my usually contrarian sort and popping off. That there was no such song that I knew of, but perhaps we could write one and perform it. After all anyone can be on YouTube.
He sent me back the following verses and said now it was my turn. So I added the part in red.
The Pandemic Blues
The world has caught a virus
I’m to kindly ask
We need your help to cure it
so wear your fuckin’ mask!
I got an awful bad case
of them low down pandemic blues
If you want to visit family
it’s quite a simple task
just try to stay six feet apart
and wear your fuckin’ mask!
Lord, I’d have to get better, before I could die
Those low down pandemic blues
If you want to lie down on the beach
to be in the sun and bask
it really not a problem
if you just wear your fuckin’ mask!
Lord, they’re killin’ me,
I mean them low down pandemic blues.
I’m going to make my apologies to Hank Williams. Feel free to add verses in the comments. What is that old saw about too much group sourcing spoils the broth…
Now if we could just get Willie or Bocephus to sing it.
Open Letter to My Children and Grandchildren
Dear children, grandchildren and other assorted beings younger than I:
I am requesting that you start addressing me, in person, and in your correspondence (text??) as “Dear Disposable One“.
It will do two things.
First it will ease the transitional phase of my absence from this world of woes to whatever supposed metaphysical state exists thereafter.
Secondly, it will show your support of Donald J. Trump and the GOP as they “restart” the economy. I am sure the $1000.00 or so you spend on my cremation will be a big help, especially after a long and costly hospitalization paid for with your tax dollars.
Thanking you in advance for doing your part.
With much love,
The soon to be dearly departed.
Evangelicals Breaking Up with Jesus
Rev. Joe’s Random Thought # 3,698
yeah I know you did not ask!
My wife who has been on a bit of a diet here lately came into the living room strutting the other night.
“I’m so proud,” she said.
“Oh,” said I.
“Yes,” she went on, “For the first time in my life I weigh what is on my driver’s license.”
“Well,” I congratulated her, ” The state of Missouri will be so proud!”
You have already arrived
Robin and I are driving from St. Louis down to Fayetteville, Arkansas to see our
granddaughter and incidentally, my son and his wife. I do not quite remember what it was, but something occurred that started me grumbling.
Realizing what I was doing I remarked, “I’m turning into a grumpy old man.”
Without missing a beat by ignoring the rest marked on the score, Robin replied, “Turning? You have already arrived.”
To which I said, “Thanks… I love you too.”
Her question back to me was, “You did say dirty old man, right?”
Thinking she is trying to recover her faux pas, or perhaps she really did mishear, I clarified, “No I said grumpy old man.”
Again ignoring the rest marked on the score, she barbed, “Well that too.”
OMG – Who told you…
I’m sitting in one of my teammate’s cube at work, a young lady with a satirical sense of humor. I am trying to show her something on the Internet on her tablet. The site is not coming up nicely.
She says to me with laughter in her voice, “Having a hard time getting it up?”
I reply, “Not yet.” Later I wished I had been quicker of wit and said, “Oh my God, who told you,” and buried my face in my hands.
Looking down her nose and across the top of her glasses she mockingly replies to this workplace appropriate exchange with, “You need to take that home.”
I was telling Robin about it later and she commented, “Well she started it, but her final remark was perfect and priceless.”
All of which reminds me of the Toby Keith song:
I ain’t as good as I once was
But I’m as good once as I ever was
To which Robin replied, “Amen.”