Worst Opening Sentence – 2022

Who’s on First?”  was perhaps the most famous sketch of Abbott & Costello. It is essentially seven or eight minutes of word play that cracks me up every time I come across it on da’ net.  It is the continuation of themes common in the Burlesque era of entertainment, which is where the act of Abbott & Costello got its start.

Mark Twain  rose to fame with stories such as The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County which was required reading when I was in school during the Paleolithic period. The gist of the story is that a man feeds buckshot to a frog in order to win a bar bet. Want to know more? Read the story.

I saw myself following Continue reading “Worst Opening Sentence – 2022”

My New Plan to Make My Fortune

Step 1:  Recruit a curvaceous Sweet Young Thing, henceforth  known as curvaceous SYT.

Step 2: Dress up my newly recruited curvaceous SYT in a sexy, see-through, next-to-nothing nightgown that does nothing but accentuate her God given charms.

Step 3:  Hide her behind the Christmas tree.

Step 4: When Santa comes down the chimney she will step from behind the Christmas tree giving Santa her best come hither smile, all the while shaking her money makers.  This causes all the blood in Santa’s head to rush precipitously to his candy cane…stripped or otherwise. Santa faints from lack of oxygen in his brain.

Step 5: While the curvaceous SYT is ascertaining whether Santa needs CPR… or other services, I rapidly scale a previously situated ladder.  Jumping in the sled, grabbing the reins, I pilot Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet,  Cupid, Dunder, Blixem and Rudolph to a secret location strong enough to retain nine angry reindeer. I hear Rudolph has such a mouth…

Step 6:  Fence the nine reindeer.  I can only imagine what a team of freaking, flying reindeer that can fly around the world in one night must be worth. I am sure Rudolph with that nose so bright will bring twice what the others fetch.  And that endless bag of toys, there is no putting a price on such a thing.

Step 7: Hire Elon Musk to clean my 42 bathrooms.

And so it ho, ho, ho goes.

Do you know what…

Occasionally Señora and I will find ourselves alone, walking Princess Lily, riding in the car together, sitting around the firepit savoring a fine bottle  of 2020 Chambourcin from Stricker Weinkellers, obviously a wonderful time to have a deep, intimate or intellectual conversation about any number of topics. Señora has a propensity to start off these opportunities for erudite palaver with the phrase, “You know what…”.

Last time this happened I replied, “Which one, I know both the Watt boys.  I went to school with both of them.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I went to school with both the Watt boys, James and William.  Well William they generally call Bubba, but Continue reading “Do you know what…”

Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5783.343

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

Although my overflowing fountain of creativity – that’s a yoke, son – at times has me wanting to send out a bus load of blog postings on some days, I generally try to keep it to one a day or less.  No need to overwhelm my extensive readership  with the mundane grumblings of a run-of-the-mill curmudgeon.

However… today I could not resist.  I am not feeling well and have spent most of the day in bed.  I have a memory of Señora at my bedside telling me she was going to the Valley (local area full of strip malls).  An hour or so later I needed a beverage and went down to the kitchen to find this dire warning on the kitchen counter from my loving spouse:

I Think I Have Been Insulted

And so it goes.

Rev. Joe’s Random Thought #2,611

yeah I know you did not ask!

Need more exercise to work on that Thanksgiving/Christmas belly?  Get a small dog.

I am not sure how many times a day I bend over to scratch The Wee Dog’s head, but it is a significant number. Princess Lily is only 7 kilograms and stands 30 centimeters at the shoulder, the dachshund portion of her DNA being expressed in her body shape.  She is slightly larger than your average cat and smaller than some of the larger felines.

It is nearly as good as doing 25 toe touches a day.

1 Lily scratch, 2 Lily scratch… no cheating now, bend from the waist, 3 Lily scratch…

Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5783.326

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

Last night I was lying in bed half asleep.  Señora was next to me watching the tail end of a TV show about Gilda Radner.  When the show was over she turned off the TV, and she leaned over to give me a good night kiss and hug.  During the hug I caressed her back and arms a bit, then I decided I needed to do the same to her hip and leg.  When I arrived there I had the thought, “she sure needs to shave her legs!”  That is when I realized The Wee Dog had weaseled her way in between the two of us.

And so it went with our little ménage à chienne.

The Cookie Jar

  We visited some friends this weekend in Chicago, well one of the northwest suburbs of Chicago.  Despite the frigid temperatures, we had a great time. In their dining room, on the sideboard, is this cookie jar, brazenly inscribed with the eighth commandment, “Thou shall not steal.”

I bring this up as it reminded me of a story I posted about ten years ago that I am going to recycle with some small revisions. Enjoy.

Once upon a time, back in the day, when my kidrens were still knee-high to the proverbial grasshopper, my arm could still be twisted to get me to attend Sunday church services. My son, David, must have been around 4 which would have put my daughter, Keely, at 8. We were living in Oklahoma City, attending  a Baptist church fairly regularly. Sporadically, before the main sermon, the preacher would have a children’s story. In the front of the church was a low stage with steps leading up to the pulpit. He would sit at the front of this stage and ask the children of the congregation to gather around him.

This particular Sunday he did that, made his invitation to the children, and off rushed our two kids. I do not remember exactly what the story was about, but it did involve a cookie jar and the partaking of the contents unauthorized.

The preacher looked at Keely and asked her, “Do y’all have a cookie jar at your house?”

To which she replied, “No.” Then she brightly added, “No, but we have a cookie bowl and Mommy hides it from Daddy as he gets into it all the time.”

The whole church burst out into laughter and turned to see me slinking down in my pew.

And so it went back in the “day”.

A Profligate, A Wastrel, A Dissipater


At times Señora is such a spendthrift.  She is attempting to convince me that I have maximized the utility of this particular pair of Sperry boat shoes.

Puts me in mind of a picture that was most likely put in the trash years ago.  I had a t-shirt commemorating Arkansas Razorback basketball that I wore for years when I jogged – in Arkansas.  It got to the point that there was no cotton left in the t-shirt. Just the base polyester weave, making it entirely see-through.  A picture was taken of me as I very reluctantly placed it ever so gently in the kitchen trash can.  I was thinking it still had a few more jogging miles in it.

Truth is I have a couple of other pairs of boat shoes that I purchased as I thought perhaps these were a little tacky to wear most places, nearly as bad as wearing a pair of house shoes to the supermarket.   Don’t tell Señora, but I did put them in the trash can today.  For some reason it had become almost impossible to keep rocks and dirt out of them.

And so they went.

I may be in a heap of trouble…

The following article popped up in my Google news feed: Nose Picking Could Increase Risk for Alzheimer’s and Dementia

The Carr side of my family is famous for faces endowed with distinctive sniffers.  I am no exception. My son used to refer to my proboscis as a B-52 Booger Bomber, for all I know he may still do so.

A well functioning airplane maintenance program includes keeping the aircraft clean, outside AND in. Being the son of aerospace technical representative, I have internalized his maxims about maintaining your tools and machines.  My rather cavernous airship definitely requires regular internal attention.  Respecting my father’s wise words I am more than prone to provide regular cleaning services… discreetly, I hope. And now I learn I may be pushing myself towards the dementia ward. YIKES.

And so it goes.

Rev. Joe’s Random Thought #9,794

yeah I know you did not ask!

Beware – “adult” themed.

I wonder if this will become a new put down –”You’re no Pete Davidson.”

Or perhaps a woman being asked about her date last night.  She sighs and says, “Well… he definitely was no Pete Davidson.”

On the high probability that you have not been following the stupid news aka celebrity news, just type “Pete Davidson 10” into your favorite browser. The main reason I know anything about this is that Stephen Colbert make a joke about it.  Not understanding his reference, but suspecting, I did a Google search.

This puts me in mind of an article I posted years ago, Penis Sizes Of World Religious Figures,  which linked to the satirical article by Jim Goad of the same name, Penis Sizes Of World Religious Figures . At the bottom of that article was another link (I sweating from clicking all these links), 50 Women Talk About Having Sex With An Extremely Large (Or Extremely Small) Penis. All I can say is, “While I am the yin to your yang Pete, I am sorry, we all have crosses to bear.”