I Love You – Part 1…Maybe

I’ve been thinking a lot about 3 words of late, “I love you.”

“Why,” you ask.

It is my wife. She says those words all the time, to me, of course, but also to many other people, mostly her women friends.

Let me explain my wife, perhaps something no husband should ever attempt to do. She has a certain charisma that is not lost on me, even after many years together.  She attracts people, and probably more importantly, she really likes people.  She has lived in the St. Louis area all of her life.  She has friends dating back to her nursery school days.  I’ve never sat down and analyzed it, but she has 3 or 4 or 5 different circles of friends.  A couple of the circles overlap to some extent, but generally they are their own circle. It is difficult to go anywhere locally without running into someone she knows. It is not uncommon for her to make a new friend whenever or wherever we travel.

The key likely is that she works really hard at maintaining relationships. If we go to a big wedding she reminds me of a politician the way she works the room.  She makes a point of having lunch with people.  She seems to be always on the phone with someone.  The last of which brings me back to my theme, “I love you”.  She does not say it to everyone, but it seems like nearly everyone. It is frequently how she ends a phone call.  To some of these women she says it with much emotion. It is pretty much who she is.

And this is where the two of us really differ.  I know that she feels that this enriches her life.  And I do not doubt that it does.  I am sure she believes the more love she puts out, the more love she receives. She is most likely correct.  However, to me, it seems she is devaluing the phrase.  I know from discussing it with her, she does not agree.  But I just cannot get over that impression.

The second reason for my ruminations stems from a practice of many of my relatives who are members of one fundamental Christian church or another.  A meme swept through my extended family in Oklahoma whereby the saying of “I love you” was some sort of Christian duty.  I got the impression they would turn to each other in church services and say, “I love you.”  From the church aisles it went out to the wider world.  A few of my cousins would say it to me, and I would look at them wild-eyed, especially if it was a male cousin.  It was not something I could say back to them.

My lame definition of love

I am making the assumption that most folks have had a Humanities or Philosophy course. I loved my Humanities courses, but I know not everyone did. Hopefully, I will not trigger a flash back, or an episode of PTSD with the following.  In those courses they talked about the Greeks defining several types of love: Eros (sexual passion); Philia (deep friendship); Ludus (playful love); Agape (love for everyone); Pragma (longstanding love); Philautia (love of the self); Storge (family love); Mania (obsessive love).

English is not nearly that nuanced.  If we need to put a fine edge on the type of love, we have a tendency to recycle the Greek’s definitions or add an adjective.  Again I am assuming, most of us think of Eros when we think of love. Señora, with her friends, is likely experiencing Philia or Storge, as she considers many of her friends part of her mishpocheh. I could make an argument that she is experiencing other types of love from the list also, but you get the idea.

I am very parsimonious with my use of these three words.  I say it fairly often to Señora, and very rarely to a few other souls. A big reason I am like this is because to love someone is to have a responsibility towards that person. I have a need to live up to my responsibilities, and there is only so much I can take on.

When I say I love you I can mean many things.  It means I care for you.  It may mean I will take care of you.  It means I will be there for you. It means I will accept your eccentricities. And this is before we get to Eros.

All of this started me thinking of the number of people I have said “I love you” to over my lifetime.  I am not going to count right now, but I would estimate a number slightly north of 10, if it hits 20 I will be shocked. I am going to ignore the Greeks, and put them into a few of my own categories: Parents, Siblings, Relatives, Friends, and Romantic Interests. Obviously there are more than 10 souls in the groupings.

The second part of this exercise will be exploring who I have said “I love you” to.  Then that begs the question, will I publish the second installment?  We will see.  First, it feels like a very personal exploration to be sharing publicly, even on my silly little blog with a minute readership.  Secondly, I have been ruminating on this for a while, and I am not finding it an easy subject to write about.  What’s up with that?

Stay tuned, maybe.

Subscribe to Curmudgeon Alley

Download as PDF