Gloom, despair, and agony on me
Deep, dark depression, excessive misery
If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all
Gloom, despair, and agony on me ~~ Fans of Hee-Haw will recognize these lyrics
The first part of August my daughter and her husband came by for a visit. They live in Oregon and had gone to Hot Springs, AR for a few days as it has romantic memories for them. Afterwards they came north to spend a few days with the old folks, aka Señora and I, adhering to the Ben Franklin adage, “guest, like fish, begin to smell after three days.” I get it. It is also the advice I follow myself when visiting as a house guest. Well actually, I figure a day or two of me is sufficient until the day for the vast majority of folks.
It was the first time they had been here in eight years. We have been out to Oregon twice in that time period, maybe thrice.
A few years ago it seemed to me that I was the one doing most of work to maintain relationships, especially online, seemingly, being the primary form of interaction in the world of today. I decided to just stop, including with family, extended and otherwise. It was amazing how quickly my imaginary circle collapsed, disappearing faster than Big Foot when a camera is taken out.
There is a psychological apothegm that advises that during a conversation of consequence – not the normal idle chitchat of everyday life – that last thing a person brings up is really the most important to them. It is not 100 percent accurate, but my personal experience leads me to believe it is true much more often than it is not.
This brings me to the conversation that my daughter and I had on the ride to the St. Louis airport for their flight home. Señora was not with us as she had a doctor’s appointment. My daughter is a lawyer which may have had something to do with the topic she brought up. To me it, more or less, seemed to come out of the blue when she asked me if I had an advanced directive. Our relationship is for the most part is good, but it has not been close for many years. There are various explanations for this, but that is for another day. All of the forgoing is by way of explanation as to why her question blindsided me.
She did stop short of asking me if I had a will, but it was not the end of her ‘’concerns”. I am officially old.
Just for the record I do have an advanced directive. The last thing I want is heroic medical measures that keep me lingering for a few more days. When the quality of life is not there, I would much prefer to not be here. And while I do not have a will, all my wealth, for lack of a better word, and possessions of consequences have beneficiaries.
This reminds me of a conversation that Señora and I have from time to time, who should die first. Señora has some health issues. I, for the most part, am in fairly good shape for a gentleman who has had his 72nd birthday. Of course, outside of suicide, which takes courage and/or desperation, we do not get to choose the timing of our exit.
My take is that I need go first. My logical is as follows: While I am sure Señora will be sad for a while if I were to go first, she has huge circle of friends that are supportive and handful of very close friends that would take that support to a world class level. She has a son who is absolutely devoted to her. Even with her health struggles, she still has great joy in life. Now, at the of age 69, with the birth of her first grandchild, she has found a new purpose, a new zest in life.
I, however, am in a different form of aqueous transportation completely. A collapsed circle is not one to rely on. The only reason I am St. Louis is because I could not convince Señora to live elsewhere. While I do not remember her exact statement, it was something along the lines of I am not living in Effingham Memphis. Which I get. Memphis is a nasty city. If she were to pass first, I would need to find another residence quickly. Add that I certainly do not have the joy and purpose in life that Señora does.
Before I met Señora, my retirement “plan” was to buy some land in Arkansas, put a double wide on it, and retire there. Never say never, but given the current religious and political climate in Arkansas and in my native state of Oklahoma, I do not see me ever moving back there. I am just not sure where I would go. If healthcare was not of a concern, I could easily see me moving out of the country, especially if the Republicans continue their reign of insanity.
I would not classify either of my children in the same category as Señora’s devoted son. In fact, the thought of being dependent on either of them feels like something straight out of Dante’s Purgatorio. Señora would definitely have a much easier time of it if I were to grab the handle on the exit door first. Indubitably that makes me a bit selfish…oh well. But on the other hand, if it worked that way, I would gladly give Señora whatever days, weeks, months or years I have left.
I have read in several places that older folks are happier as they have more of tendency to live in the present. In other words, they are practicing one of the prime tenets of Buddhism: that reality is the present moment–here and now. Unfortunately, I am not there. I am spending far too much time stewing on could/would/should/might have beens. I am spending far too much time preoccupied to the point of minor trepidation about how the rest of our lives may play out.
Yeah if I am having ruminations and conversations of this ilk, I am officially old.
This getting old gig is not for milquetoasts.
Remember, “Age is just a number” and while “getting old ain’t for sissies”, it sure beats the alternative.
Stay vertical my friend.
I just need to quit listening to so much music in minor keys…
I’ve often admired Robin and her circle of friends. She’s spent a lifetime cultivating them, and having never moved far, she’s been able to collect quite a few. Having moved far too often in my adult life, I am less fortunate in the friend department. The few I have are precious.
Oh, and btw… YOU NEED A FLIPPIN WILL. Now! Having gone through a family death without a will, you don’t want to put your survivors through that. Even if every asset is appropriately distributed to a beneficiary, a death without a will requires probate, and probate is a wasteful in terms of time and money. Nuf said.