Category: Matrimonial Log

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5784.260

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

There are certain reoccurring household chores that I prefer that I do rather than Señora. I tell Señora that I want to do these tasks as I have a system. Sometimes she even listens.

I will be doing some task around the abode and Señora will ask if I would like some help.  Sometimes I accept her aid, but, not infrequently, I will say thanks, but no thanks, I have a system.

Obviously my system is no more than the OCD part of me needing to do something a particular way.  Whether it is better or not is debatable, but do not tell that to the little monkey riding my back.

Being, ahem, seniors, Señora and I both have regular medicine that we take. We keep our personal stashes in different places. In both stashes are to be found bottles of acetaminophen.  I emptied my bottle of the last two pills the other day.  Since I was running down to the valley to do some shopping I asked Señora if we had any more acetaminophen.  If not I would purchase some.  At first she thought we were out, but then she discovered a brand new container in her stash.

She brought the new bottle into my man cave as I was sitting in front of my computer.  I very gently suggested that she pull the empty pill bottle out of my recycling can that sits next to my desk.  She sat both bottles down in front of me.

I said,  “you could have poured some from your bottle into my bottle.”

“Oh no,” she replied, “I thought you might have a system and need to count them.”

One feature of long term relationships is that sometimes the other person knows you much, much too well.

And for the record, I did not count them… thank you very much.

And so it goes.

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5783.257

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

Señora has a common female habit of removing her brassiere when she comes home.  She lays this unique feminine article of apparel in various places: on the sofa; on the coffee table; the kitchen table; occasionally casually tossing them in the direction of a chair in the family room. By spells her knocker lockers actually land on the chair rather than the floor. Not infrequently she forgets that they are there, or perhaps thinks she will take them upstairs in a bit.  A bit sometimes being in a day or two.

A while back I started taking her over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders and hanging then in various places:  one of the light fixtures over either the dining room table or kitchen table; the track lighting behind the couch; one of the decorative arms of the clock in the family room; etc.

Not uncommonly her double-barreled slingshot will stay there for a day or two. Occasionally they have been there for several days. Señora suddenly discovers her booby holster and becomes quite agitated with yours truly… much to my perverted delight.  She always asks how long her keeper-of-heavenly delights has been there.   So far no one has been in our house and asked why a bra is hanging from the chandler over the dining room table, or perhaps they were polite enough to ignore it.

Am I wrong? I hope not.  It is quite entertaining.

And so it goes.

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5783.243

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

We were scheduled to have a serviceman come out and look at Señor Abuelo Reloj early Friday afternoon.  Like a lot of grandfathers, he has a few aches and pains, and occasionally just stops in mid task wondering what the heck he is doing standing in the entryway of our house.

The office of the horologist called wanting to reschedule to this afternoon as he had something come up.

“Well,” I said, “I am not going to be here this afternoon and I am not sure when my wife will return home.”

“Truth is,” I went on, “she out running around with a friend of hers, and in all likelihood I will not hear from either one of them until they need  bail money. ”

“Oh really!” said the scheduler, “perhaps then we better do it next Tuesday at 1?”

“Works for me,” I confirmed.

In point of fact, Thelma and Louise were amateurs compared to the duet of Señora and La Guapa.  I am just glad neither of them drives a convertible.

And so it goes.

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5783.222

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

I was walking from the bedroom to the bathroom when I belched with much enthusiasm and expressiveness.  Growing up in a household with four brothers and a gaseous father, belching was considered an art form, a source of competition amongst us five boys.

Señora said to me, “You just burped.”

“No,” I said, “I just eructated.   I have more class than to burp.”

Her reply was not family friendly, but it definitely let me know in no uncertain terms that she was not in accordance with my well considered evaluation of my behavior.

And so it goes within the confines of our matrimonial walls.

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5783.172

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

It is tough being married to a Yankee.

I have what I suppose is a bad habit.  At least I have been told it is a bad habit.  I see it as a way of releasing stress.  When I get upset with other drivers for whatever reasons I have a tendency to call them a**holes.  Of course, I am in my vehicle and they are in theirs so they cannot hear me, but if Señora is in the vehicle with me it upsets her that I do this.

A while back I discovered an older Canadian sitcom, Corner Gas that I fell in love with and  binge watched every episode.  I strongly identified with one of the characters, Oscar Leroy, played by Eric Peterson.  He called everyone he was upset with jackass.  I’ve adopted this habit a bit, and use Oscar’s word in place of a**hole at times.  Señora finds it only marginally better.

Señora is not much on name calling, but she has certain Yiddish words that she applies to me when she is upset with me.  Yeah I know, hard to believe.  One such word is schmaltz, others are putz and shlemiel. She has another pejorative that I find immensely humorous, that  she uses very rarely but with great effect.  She has even used it in reference to me on occasion… pubic hair. In the scales of name calling it probably weighs in around the same as a**hole or jackass, but it has the mitigating trait of being comical.

We were driving back from Tulsa Sunday and I had used my pejoratives a couple times in reference to bad drivers.  At some point Señora, mainly to pick at me, called one of these freeway fanatics an a**hole.  I quickly informed her that she could not do that as that was my word.  “But,” said I, “let me give you a word.  You can call them meadow muffins.”

Yankees… I spent the next five minutes explaining to her what a meadow muffin was. Just in case you do not know, alternative terms might be cow piles, cow patties, dung cakes or from western literature, buffalo chips… to keep it somewhat clean.

I do not think she took my gift to heart.

And so it goes.

 

 

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5783.153

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

Señora and I were in Costco.  A gentleman more elderly than us passed us by with much promptitude.

I commented to Señora, “someone needs to call 911.”

When she looked at me queerly, I added, “someone stole his butt.”

The whole time she  was chastising me for my inappropriate, non-woke comment she was doing her damnedest to not burst out laughing.

The reality was that his posterior had fled to such an extent that I wondered how his britches maintained their position upon his waist without the succor of suspenders.

And so it was once upon a time in Costco.

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5783.108

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

Señora recently acquired a new phone. Right now the phone is a bit annoying as it has a notification sound  that, for all the world, to me, sounds like “ruh roh”. Clearly I spent far too much time watching Scooby Doo with my kidrens when… well,  when they were kidrens way back in the last century.  This “ruh roh” sound is probably on multiple applications,  However, messing around with her phone ranks right up there with getting into her purse. It is something I avoid doing as I consider both very personal items. That, and  gawd only knows what I might find.

The other night it was late, the lights were out, and Señora and I were being, shall I say, more than a little feisty. A little while into our canoodling, an application on her phone started in with notifications.  “Ruh roh” it kept saying, over and over. At first it was barely impinging on my semi-crazed  hormonal state (fully crazed fled years ago), but after eight or ten times, it became hard to ignore.

As it continued with the “ruh rohs” I began to feel like her phone was judging us.  Was it bothered by feisty seniors?  Her phone might be a super Christian for all I know.  The Apostle Paul and St. Augustine espoused sexual congregation only, only  in marriage, and even then solely for the purpose of procreation.  It would, indeed, be a miracle – and a disaster – if Señora and I were to procreate.  Perhaps the phone was pulling a 1984 and Big Brother was being judgmental about what we were doing.   I basically felt like there was a hypercritical third party in our matrimonial bed adjudicating our nocturnal activities. The hormonal part of me wanted to grab the device and fling it into silence, but then I remembered what we had paid for it.

Funny time of life when logic and caution prevail over hormones – ruh roh.

And so it goes.

Which reminds me of a joke from my biochemistry class (again last century):

How do you make a hormone?

Don’t pay her!

Now days the college chemistry professor would probably be in deep water for telling such an un-woke joke.  Oh well…

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5783.107

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

Señora has a habit of lying in bed in the mornings, drinking her coffee, and working puzzles from the New York Times on her phone.  She was doing so this morning as I was buzzing around getting ready for my Spanish class on Skype.

Suddenly she jumped out of our matrimonial love nest, loudly exclaiming, “I am running late. I have an appointment for a massage in just a few minutes.”

I unwisely replied, “You have a habit of that.  It just drives me nuts to be running late.”

Señora responded to my injudicious comment with, “I’m going to get there on time, and you are altogether nuts anyway.”

When will I ever learn? In the ongoing drama of our matrimonial repartee, I always end up as the bottom.

And so it goes.

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5783.071

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

Señora was not feeling well today, and since she was upstairs napping, I was the one to get the mail.  In that bundle of mostly spam, was a bill or two, and the monthly AARP magazine.

Since I was avoiding going to the basement to exercise, I read a couple articles in the magazine and worked the crossword puzzle. It seems AARP wants us seniors to feel good about ourselves as the crossword puzzle is seldom challenging. However, that is another topic.

I left the magazine open on the kitchen counter to an article titled on the cover as Sex in Your 70s, Yes Yes, Oh Yes, It Can Still Be Great.  Actually the Oh before the last Yes was my own addition.   In the body of the magazine the article was titled Start Your Own Sexual Revolution. After that, I ceased my procrastination and descended into the depths of our basement to work on keeping this magnificent body, well.. magnificent. Sometimes it takes a little work to hear that last “Ohhh… YES!”

When I came up from the exercise dungeon, I found Señora had been downstairs.  The AARP magazine was now open to an article about four old ladies lusting after Tom Brady.  Yes, Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda, Sally Field and Rita Moreno starring.

Seems to me there is a not so subtle message in there somewhere… if AARP would just make those crossword puzzles a little harder perhaps I would have the mental acuity to figure it out.

And so it goes.

 

 

I once heard the noted sexologist, well Bubba down at Smitty’s Bar and Grill, claim there are only four major types of orgasms.  The Negative Orgasm – “No, No, OHHHH NOOO!”. The Positive Orgasm – “Yes, Yes, OHHHH YESSS!”. The Religous Orgasm – “GOD, Oh GOD, Oh…. god….”.  And my personal favorite – “Oh David, Oh David, Ohhhh, DAVID!”

How Bubba knew about my personal favorite, I have yet to find out.

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5783.066

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

Almost out of the blue Señora said to me, “You would not make a very good MC on a game show.”

“Oh?,” said I, arching one eyebrow, a perplexed expression crossing my charming, handsome countenance, “why is that?”

“You get annoyed by people too easily,” she went on.

“So you think I am annoyed with you right now,” I echoed, dropping into my best active listening mode and reflecting back to her what I thought she had just said.

“Clearly that is true, my dear, dear sweet man,” Señora commented, only a little sarcastically.

“Well come on down and see if the Price is Right, your turn to spin, vowels are worth double, What is sarcasm, Alex?” for some reason seemed to be the necessary, if absolutely not the appropriate response.

Growing up with four brothers, I became very good at ducking.

And so it goes.