Category: Matrimonial Log

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5787.264

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

I was in the kitchen when Señora came downstairs and found me, saying, “The bathroom scale is making some funny numbers.”

“Funny how?” I quizzed.

“I just need to show you,” she replied.

Following her up the stairs toward the master bathroom it dawned on me what most likely was going on.

The day before, after being apprised of the situation, I had unplugged the sink on her side of the double vanity.  It was so clogged that I had to pull everything out from under the sink and take the p-trap apart.  Yum, yum… one of my favorite household chores, picking clumped hair out of drains.   Well, after unclogging the drain, one thing led to another and I ended up cleaning the whole bathroom.  Yeah, OCD is going to kill me one of these days. Part of the cleaning process was picking up our digital bathroom scale which has a glass platform and giving it a good Windexing.

Having now arrived at the bathroom she stepped on the scale.  Just as an aside, I had known Señora for around eight years before I knew her weight.  And then it was only by accident as I had gone to a doctor’s appointment with her. So, there was progress that she unhesitatingly stepped on the scale, that and the confidence she gained from losing the 40 pounds or so a few years back.

The scale read 54.

I looked at it and said, “I don’t know what your problem is.  Just multiply the 54 by 2.2 if you want your weight in pounds. ”

Apparently, from the look that was shot my way, that was not the correct response.

Asking her to step off the scale I picked it up and switched it from kilograms back to pounds.

After placing it back on the floor I said, “now try it. I just thought you would like the lower numbers.”

Truth was I had accidentally switched the scale to kilograms when I was cleaning it.

And so it goes.

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5786.129

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

I was having trouble sleeping the other night.  I would fall asleep, only to wake up a short time thereafter.  Last time this happened I glanced at the clock radio on my nightstand whose luminous digital numbers read 12:30.

As I laid there staring at the ceiling, trying to fall back to sleep, I decided the thing to do was to count the number of angels dancing on the proverbial pinhead.  Problem was that every time I put my ocular organ close enough to distinguish individual angels, they dispersed.  I begin to think that rather than semi-divine beings with a spiteful sense of humor, they were Tricksters, demigods so popular in Native American and African religious mythology.

Fortunately for me, Señora begin to talk in her sleep, well mumble is more like it.  When I first started sleeping with Señora almost two decades ago and she did this, I would try to ascertain what she was saying, thinking I might gain some insights into her inner life.  Since most of the time she was mumbling this was a fruitless endeavor, and I gave it up as an useless exercise.

This particular night the amount of well-formed words were numerous.  Then she said the words that I never expected to hear from a spouse, current or past.  And she said them in a sweet, melodic tone, rather than in the grudgingly manner I would have expected.

“You are right,”  she said.

I would say I can now die content, but, in all likelihood, she was dreaming of someone other than yours truly. Could I go back to sleep after that revelation, no, not really.

And so it goes.

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5786.103

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

Well another birthday has arrived, putting my feet closer to the grave.

Last week Señora kept asking me, “what do you want for your birthday?”

I told her the truth, “nothing.”

This went on for innumerable iterations with my response being the same each time.  I really did not need or want anything.

Finally, maybe from a little exasperation from hearing the same question for the umpteenth time, I said, “a ménage à trois.”

I know that eventually Señora will stop laughing and pick herself off the floor… eventually.

One would think after this long on this spinning globe I would have learned, one would think.

Pray for me as I know she will get off the floor.  Sounds like a good time for me to go golfing.

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5786.085

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

My office/man cave is at the top of the stairs, to the right. To the left is the master bedroom.  Frequently when Señora comes up the stairs she will see me sitting at my computer, but she cannot see the screen.  She will ask me what I am doing.

The other night she did so, and I responded, “watching porn.” The reality was that I was balancing our various accounts in Quicken, but apparently my response was the WRONG one.

I am still trying to dig myself out that hole.  Pray for me.

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5786.020

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

In our bedroom, on my dresser, is one of those candles in jar.  It was originally put there as a decoration.  Over time it has morphed into a, shall we say, “signaling” device if one of us is feeling, shall we say, “feisty”.

A while back I was in such a mood. Señora was still downstairs finishing up whatever movie or program she was watching.  I had lit the candle, put on some soft New Agey music from my music server onto the bedroom television, set the screen display to off, and crawled into bed with, as Dickens might have said, great expectations.


Señora finally came upstairs and went into the bathroom to do her nightly ablutions before retiring.  Exiting the bathroom, she walked past the dresser, and without missing a step, she blew out the candle.  That shot that was heard around the world was my bubble bursting. Perhaps that was kinder than “not tonight dear, I have a headache”, perhaps.

Fast forward a few months.  I came home only to find that Señora was not there, running around doing this or that, keeping herself occupied.  I walked upstairs and into our bedroom and almost immediately noticed that the candle was no longer on the dresser.  Thinking to myself – can you do it any other way – well, I reckon that chapter of my life has passed into senescence.  I then noticed that everything on the dresser was out of place. Señora had been dusting in the bedroom, and had moved everything around, pushing the candle to the back behind a picture, obviously failing to return the items to their original and expected positions.

Whew, dodged that bullet… at least for now.

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5785.089

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

Sometimes I do good and I am not aware of it until after the fact.

I own three or four suits and probably more or less twice that number of sports coats. To be frank, I have never worn them a lot, and now that I am retired, I wear them even less.  I now mostly wear them when I go to funerals or weddings.  Which explains why I am frequently vaguely surprised when I put one these clothing items on, reach into the coat pocket, and discover tissues, or more likely, a travel packet of tissues there.  Not being much of a crier myself, I keep them in my coat pocket for Señora, who does cry at funerals and occasionally at weddings.

Señora had a good friend pass away recently. A woman 10 or Continue reading “Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5785.089”

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5785.055

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

I went downstairs this morning and said to Señora, “What about fixing me some eggs for breakfast?”

She replied, “Are your arms broken?  I know you know where the skillet is.  You put it up last night after you washed the dishes.”

She went on to add, “Besides who do you think you are, the King of England, wanting eggs for breakfast. We’re not jet setters around here who can afford such luxuries.”

All of which reminded me of a story about my daughter from when she was in 5th grade:   $40 A$$

For an interesting comparison of egg prices: Price of eggs in Mexico

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5785.280

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

Click on picture to see it larger

This is a picture I took of Señora gleefully experiencing a ménage-à-trois, well okay, a ménage-à-doobie, with two music icons painted on the wall of a cannabis store in Muskogee, by gawd, Oklahoma.

Of course, the person on the right is the legendary Bob Marley, the Reggae musician, famous for his advocacy of the legalization of cannabis and giant spliffs.

The cowboy hat wearing gentleman is none other than Continue reading “Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5785.280”

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5784.264

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

I was feeling a bit romantic and I told Señora, “I just love you to pieces.“

To which she replied, “Then you should love ALL the pieces.”

Oh well, I tried.  Romanticism is overrated anyway…

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5784.262

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

Señora was telling me about her day tomorrow, saying she was going to lunch with Bettina.  She then asked me if I remembered who Bettina was.  I did not.  She then went on to describe Bettina, expounding on the details of their connection, she explained to me that Bettina is the mother-in-law of the one of the twin daughters of the woman whose is the fraternal twin of Señora‘s sister-in-law. Got all that?  Señora then added that Bettina is older than her.

Then I boldly went where no sane husband should go.  I remarked to Señora that it is hard these days to find such a person, someone older than her.

As fortune would have it, the closest thing at hand was a sofa pillow, which she sent screaming my way at wrap speed. There was no need to duck, plus it gave me a shield in case other items were to follow.

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