Category: Rev. Joe Dirt’s Ramblings

The unsolicited, unreasoned, uninformed, unapologetic opinions of Rev. Joe Dirt

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A Jack Handey Fable

I remember I was hammering on a fence in the backyard when Dad approached. He was carrying a letter or something in his hand, and he looked worried. I continued to hammer as he came toward me.

“Son,” he said, “why are you hammering on that fence? It already has plenty of nails in it.”

“Oh, I’m not using nails,” I replied. “I’m just hammering.” With that, I returned to my hammering. Continue reading “A Jack Handey Fable”

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One kickass weekend

Occasionally we have those days that are so exceedingly memorable that they become milestones or at least touchstones in our lives.

I had one such day in November of 2000. I was at Oklahoma Memorial Stadium to watch OU defeat their hated rival Nebraska. They went on to win the National Championship that year. Immediately after that game I jumped in my vehicle and high-tailed it to Dallas to see Tina Turner and Joe Cocker in concert. It was Tina’s farewell concert tour and the lady still absolutely killed them.

I introduced my girlfriend to one of my all time favorite artists,  Jimmy LaFave, Continue reading “One kickass weekend”

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You don’t still use a screen saver, do you?

By Don Willmott , Forecast Earth Correspondent

I’m happy that at this stage in my career I often find myself writing articles about energy-efficient ways to use computers, peripherals, gadgets, and consumer electronics. It makes me feel so, you know, virtuous.

Whenever I crank out a list of helpful hints, one of the first items I include is this obvious but often overlooked gem of advice: Kill your stupid screen saver. In the good old days of tube monitors, screen savers such as those unforgettable flying toasters were invented to prevent burn-in, a permanent shadow branded into the phosphors of your monitor by a static image of, say, a spreadsheet that you left on your screen all weekend. Continue reading “You don’t still use a screen saver, do you?”

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Reverend Joe wipes out a waiter

Recently I was in Orange Beach, by gawd, Alabama on a fishing trip.  After a nice and productive day of offshore fishing we decided to go to a nice restaurant for dinner, seafood of course.  It was a fancy place complete with table clothes and starched napkins.  Over to right of us were several tables pushed to together for what looked like a bachelorette party.  There were about 30 or so pretty women in their early twenties sitting at the tables.

Before the food arrived I needed to go to the bathroom.  As I was walking back I realized one of my table mates was behind me.  The shortest route from the facilities to our table was by this bevy of beautiful southern belles. Continue reading “Reverend Joe wipes out a waiter”

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The moral of the man with one arm

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf and do lots of things that took two arms.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.  He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, “Why are you so happy anyway?”

He said, “I’m NOT happy. My balls itch!”