Category: Humor

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5782.202

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

Just to put this in context, Señora and I are fast approaching our 9th wedding anniversary.

So… I am sitting on the porcelain throne in the downstairs bathroom this morning reading a few pages from Rabbi Joseph Telushkin‘s delightful book, Words That Hurt, Words that Heal.

Interrupting my meditations and reading, there is a banging on the bathroom door followed by,  “Are you in there?”

In reply I said, “Of course I am, it is 0932 and I have had two cups of coffee.”

Señora goes on, “Do you want to get married again?”

To which I answered, “Will I have more privacy in the morning if we do?”

Apparently that was not the correct response.

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Okeisms – Southernisms    

I was more or less raised on the east coast.  But I also spent a lot of summers in Oklahoma.  Both my parents had rural, agrarian upbringings, one in Kentucky, land of beautiful horses and fast women, and the other in Oklahoma.  One of my siblings has described Oklahoma as southern and western, but definitely not southwestern. Under their cowboy hats, Okies definitely operate with a southern sensibility. For many years I was married to a highly educated woman who grew up in the boondocks of Arkansas.  She was buried so deep in the pine forests and mountains of rural Arkansas that the first black person she encountered was when she went away to college. She and her mishpocha had a very southern, rural way of speaking.  When we would go back to visit her parents, the closer to their home we were, the more country her speech became. The same phenomenon happened the further afield we ranged. Once we were on vacation in New England, and I had to frequently translate for her.  The Yankees up there were baffled by her accent, and she, not infrequently, by theirs.

So why I am I bringing this up? Continue reading “Okeisms – Southernisms    “

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Supernumerary

Señora and I spent the Fourth of July day floating in the pool of some friends and munching between dips. As people are wont to do under these pleasant circumstances, aided by the benumbing influence of a warm sun and cold libations to the deity of summer, our conversation ranged over a wide range of topics.  Basically anything that popped into our minds. Ms. Sikeston related a story about a male relative that had 3 nipples.  For obvious reasons, he was somewhat embarrassed to go to the beach.

I then began to harp on a pet peeve of mine. There are at least two movies I know of with characters with extra nipples/breasts. Continue reading “Supernumerary”

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Earnest Lights Over Muskogee

I’ve been ranting so much over SCOTUS lately, I thought I put out something a little lighter… This is a story I wrote years ago that I recently reworked, partly to remove some of Carl’s NSFW commentary on life.  Hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Connors Junior College in the early 1970s was an interesting place as there was a large number of returning Vietnam veterans enrolled at the institution.  Carl was one of those.

I had started college at the University of Rhode Island.  My main motivation at the time was to avoid the Vietnam draft.  I did not have a clear picture as to my direction in life and thus was, at best, a very indifferent student.  When my birthday came up with a very high number in the draft lottery, the probability being drafted approached zero.  I dropped out of college.  With no real skills I started working as a factory hand in an injection molding plant in Cranston, Rhode Island.

My father around this time had been transferred overseas Continue reading “Earnest Lights Over Muskogee”

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Hey Lauren Boebert, What about MY church?

Just to get everyone on the same page the First Amendment to the US Constitution reads as follows:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Lauren Boebert, the POS Representative from Colorado’s 3rd District , recently made the following statement:

“The church is supposed to direct the government, the government is not supposed to direct the church.”

“I’m tired of this separation of church and state junk. This is not in the Constitution, it was in a stinking letter and it means nothing like what they say it does…”   

For one of the many articles Continue reading “Hey Lauren Boebert, What about MY church?”

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The Sin of Simony         

Years ago I read Dante’s Divine Comedy.  I cannot say I got much out of it, but I did get through the poem, mostly  because I can be a little obsessive at times. I had put a task before me, and by George I was going to complete it. Most of what I remember from the poem are some very graphic images from the nine levels of Inferno, and almost nothing of Purgatorio and Paradiso.  I decided somewhat later that I would listen Continue reading “The Sin of Simony         “

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Duck Dynasty Backpacking Trip

I went hiking this past weekend with my brother, Mike, aka Dictionary Dude, a semi-retired CPA.  We hiked the Ozark Highlands Trail, OHT, starting at the trailhead close to Ozone Campground on Arkansas Highway 21, ending up at the Fort Douglas Trailhead, 1.5 miles east of the Haw Creek Falls Recreation Area on Arkansas Highway 123. Total distance covered was 20 miles. We took it easy and did the distance in two and one half days.  Last hike we did was 30 miles in 3 days which does not sound like a lot, but remember we are carrying packs that weigh around 35 pounds loaded.  Plus these hikes are in Arkansas, you are either going uphill or downhill, if you find yourself walking on the flat for any extended period of time, Continue reading “Duck Dynasty Backpacking Trip”

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Picture from 6th Grade…

A couple of days ago was Valentine’s Day which got me thinking about one etched in my mind from when I was in 6th grade.   Digging around I found a picture taken that day during our class party celebrating the event.  I had given a card to every kid in the class – seemed like the nicest thing to do.  I did not have to use even one finger to count the number of Valentine Day cards I received.  Twas not a good day, and one that was burned in my memory.   Perhaps this was the impetus starting me down my curmudgeonly path.

And so it went.

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Clint Eastwood Saves the Day

Today I was doing some honey-dos in the guest bedroom.  While I was busy in there I decided I wanted to watch the final round of this week’s PGA golf tournament. Thing is we have not had a house guest since before the pandemic lock down so it has been that long since that TV had been used.  First I had to load our current streaming service onto this TV, then I discovered the Roku menu was not working.  I diagnosed the problem quickly – for me – as the batteries being dead in the remote controller.  Opening the back of the device I discovered I needed two AA batteries.  Problem was we had used up the last of the package a while back.

Remembering the oft repeated line Continue reading “Clint Eastwood Saves the Day”

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Rev. Joe’s Random Thought #572

yeah I know you did not ask!

I spent part of yesterday afternoon giving all three bathrooms a very thorough cleaning.  Now I do not want to utilize any of them as I do not want to encroach on their perfection. I am afraid, however, if I sidle up to a tree in the backyard one of the neighbors will place a call to Chesterfield’s finest.  Well, there is always the BP on the corner of Olive and Chesterfield Parkway.  Their bathrooms are generally clean, but not perfect.  I wonder if I could sneak into the YMCA down by the St. Louis County Library and get a quick shower…

And so it goes.