Author: Rev. Joe Dirt

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Quote of the Day – Jack Handey… for Señora**

“As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, ‘Watch for Rocks.’  Martha said it should read ‘Watch for Pretty Rocks.’  I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke – just to get out of writing a simple letter!  And I thought I was lazy!” ~~Jack Handey

** Señora has an absolute obsession with rocks

++ One of my ex-brother-in-laws had a game he played when his children were very young and just learning to read.  He had them convinced that the signs that read “Watch for Falling Rocks” was about a crazed Native American that had escaped a mental institution… him and his half brother Leaping Deer.

To see more Quotes for Day, visit this link: Quotes for the Day

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Dogs and Cats – A Deep Philosophical Question  

Heaven forbid I should ever be single again.  I sincerely hope with all my being that Señora outlives me, if for no other reason than she is much more enchanted with this existence than I am.  If she did not, I am not sure I would put myself back out there in the dating pool, especially at my decrepit age.  The thought reminds me of something my mother once said after my father had passed away.  Someone asked her if she was going to remarry.

“Oh no,” she replied, “it is one thing to grow old with a man; it would be quite another thing to marry an old man.”

I Learned About Red Flags

I once broke up with a very beautiful woman and judging from our time together, a very sweet lady.  At he beginning of our relationship she told me her goal Continue reading “Dogs and Cats – A Deep Philosophical Question  “

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Rev. Joe’s Random Thought #5,770

yeah I know you did not ask!

You should so be blessed – well cursed at times actually – with a mind such as mine, making all these weird connections between my rumored neurons. Just be thankful that I do not share all of my random thoughts.

A big portion of the price of any alcoholic beverage, as listed on the shelf or bottle, includes various taxes (excise being an example), as imposed by different levels government, mainly federal and state. When you get to the cash register to pay, they add sales tax to the shelf price. More often than not, the now not so random thought pops into my brain that they are charging sales tax on taxes.  Just does not seem right.

Just saying.

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5784.024

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

Señora and I had gone to bed. We were both engaged in canine behavior, that is, we were imitating Princess Lily’s bed time preparation routine.  While we were not circling our respective sides of the bed three times, we each were fluffing pillows, rearranging blankets, flouncing around as we attempted to find that ever so perfect spot for falling asleep.

In simpler words, we were trying to get comfortable, and thus were moving around quite a bit.  There was an almost spooky, creaking sound that was occurring sporadically but frequently.

Señora says to me, “Is that the bed or one of us?”

I still am hoping it was the bed.

And so it goes.

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5784.023

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

I am a little worried about Señora.

Let me set the stage.  We have an Internet connected Smart Thermostat. It has a sensor downstairs and a sensor upstairs.  Remembering that hot air raises and cold air falls, playing with the opening and closing of vents on the various levels of our abode, I can keep the temperature more or less even on all floors.  The thermostat functionality  is based on averaging the temperature at the sensors together.

As a balance between comfort and pocketbook, we kept the thermostat at 70 this time of year.   With the averaging of the sensors bouncing around a bit, it reads 70 part of the time  and 69 the rest.

Señora has a Feliz cumpleaños coming up shortly.  I always think of this time of year as a triple witching hour as her birthday, Valentine’s Day and the anniversary of our meeting all happen with five days of each other.  I make Hallmark’s budget balance in that short period of time.

Unlike yours truly, Señora is not horrified by birthdays.  This year is different, however. She is having a hard time dealing with the number.  Every time she walks past the thermostat and it reads 69 she goes a little batty.  She is convinced that this piece of smart, Internet connected technology is mocking her.  I am hoping there is not a whole year of this.

But then again for the rest of the year we keep the thermostat at 72.  Guess who is hitting this wonderful number this year.  I am sure this maldito contraption will be mocking me too.

And so it goes.

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Matrimonial Log – Star Date 5784.022

“Matrimony… the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Casamiento Segundo, its until-death-do-us-part mission… to explore a strange new relationship… to seek out a new life and new adventures… to boldly go where no sane couple has gone before.”

Señora with her eyebrows arched, thankfully not peering at me over the top of her glasses like my Mama used to do, said to me, “You know I have grounds for an annulment, don’t you?”

Being skilled at repartee, I replied, “Oh?”

“Yes,” she went on, “you did not disclose an important fact to me.”

Again with the adept repartee I answered, “Oh?”

“You did not tell me you were an alien, that you were from another planet.”

“Really,” I countered, “I thought you would have figured that out before we were married when I taught you the ear tugging trick.”

And so it goes.

Okay like a lot of my stories there is a grain of reality in there, and just a wee bit of literary license.  I did something or the other, very innocent I am sure, that caused  Señora to accuse me of being an extraterrestrial.

If you did not get the ear tugging reference, follow this link to Bad Jokes and read the one entitled The Martians.  It’s and oldie, but goodie.

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Let’s Rumble…

In my painful attempts at writing, in my paltry efforts to describe Señora, I frequently refer back to her relationship with her mother. What her mother wanted was a petite, sylphlike, polished Jewish American Princess, JAP as they are commonly referred to. What the stork brought was from the Russian peasant side of the family, very much an Earth Mother, very much not a JAP, very much to the chagrin of both parties.

Señora has a very good friend that she has known since they were 16. Señora‘s friend would have checked off all the items on Señora’s mother’s menu of a perfect JAP daughter.   I cannot imagine finding her in the middle of an Ozark stream building cairns like an Earth Mother of my acquaintance. Because they occupy opposite ends of the Jewish American Princess spectrum, I tend to think of them as a case of opposites attracting.

Let’s Rumble…

I bring her up as she is Continue reading “Let’s Rumble…”

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Think I Like Word Play?

Señora was ever so kind as to gift me a daily calendar of Dad Jokes. As one of my quotidian habits I have been sharing the “humor” with my mishpocha in my native state of Oklahoma…much to their chagrin.

Today’s joke:

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the “P” is silent.

Of course I had to riff on that:

I can already hear the tsunami of groans coming from Oklahoma… like a wrinkled gnome gnawing and gnashing on a bone, kneeling on one knee in front of the knight and knave, hoping to wrangle or to wriggle or to wrestle his way out of their  wrath. 

“What a psychedelic experience I am having,” said the psychopath to his psychologist.

“Oh don’t get your knickers in a knot, they already have too many wrinkles, ” answered the pshrink.  

Okay the last one was made up, but some folks refer to head shrinkers as p-shrinks.

Like any good comedian (yes, a bit of hubris), I had to insert a callback to a previous joke:

I could go on, if I had more thyme or was less sage. 

And so it sometimes go.

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