J. D. Vance owes me ten minutes of my life back. Well, actually, whoever started the rumor about this troglodyte having an amorous, physical relationship with a couch owes me the ten minutes.
One of the late night TV hosts was running on with many jokes about the alleged “romance” between Mr. Vance and the couch. Señora was totally perplexed. I told her it has been rumored that Vance did the dirty with a sofa.
“How could he do that?”, she queried, wondering about why and how. One would think after two marriages she might have a vague inkling of what this would have entailed.
First, I reminded her of a comment our gay, Italian friend once made to her, “All men are dogs.”
Then I reminded her, that, at least anatomically, Vance is a man – I am not sure we have ever been able to accurately assign gender to his particular species. I then tried to explain to her with an old, old joke based on an Salem cigarette advertisement from the 60s.
In the joke a gentleman is visiting Salem where he became more than a little amorous with a local tree. He was so infatuated with his new found sappy sweetheart that he decided to take it home with him. The attempt to remove the tree from Salem was not successful, resulting in its demise. The punch line goes: you can take Salem out of the country, but you cannot take the c*** tree out of Salem.
She was still looking at me blankly.
I then begin to describe to her very graphically how the act might be achieved. I believe she understood my explanation, but did not really grasp it as a possibility. Which is a little strange, I can think of at least one recent comedy skit (SNL?) where a woman was really “going to town” on the arm of a sofa.
Who knew sofas were bisexual!!!
And to set the record straight, a couple links:
J.D. Vance didn’t have sex with a couch. But he’s still extremely weird.
“JD Vance Couch” Searches Outpace “Trump Shooting” Queries on Google
hahaha