Here is an open question for everyone, how do you say goodbye.
A friend’s mother is in hospice, partly the result of age, and partly the result of several diseases she failed to manage properly catching up with her.
My friend flew her twenty-something daughter in for the week so that she could see her grandmother before she passed. At the first of the week my friend’s mother was still occasionally coherent and aware. By the end of the week she was out of it, and sleeping most of the time.
The three of us went to visit her on the Saturday before the daughter had to fly back out on Sunday. It was more than a little sad as the grandmother was only there physically. The granddaughter knew that this would in all likelihood be the last time she saw her grandmother alive.
We stayed about two hours. The granddaughter tried to feed the grandmother who was not interested. Some attempts were made at communication, but those essentially failed. Both mother and daughter were crying off and on. Towards the end the granddaughter just hugged her grandmother and stroked her.
I went out a little before the other two to give them some time alone. The granddaughter came out first and asked me, “How do you say goodbye to some one?” I took a minute to answer as I was a little choked up myself. All I could muster was a lame comment about “giving them positive energy and remembering the good times.” I do not imagine it satisfied the daughter. It did not satisfy me.
I’ve been thinking about it, and I still not sure I have a good answer. How do you say goodbye to someone?
I never said goodbye to my brother. I was there as he was dying. I wasn’t there when he died. I had spoken with him 3 days before he died and I told him I’d miss him and I love him. Told him I wished we had more time together. But it didn’t occur to me to say goodbye. It wasn’t his choice to leave nor mine. We didn’t need to say goodbye. I firmly believe I’ll see him again. I only made sure he was comfortable while I was next to him during his dying. No, I never said goodbye to my dad; he died in his sleep. I never said goodbye to my brother even given the opportunity. I told him I love him. I still tell him. So I guess it depends on your belief system. If you think this life is it, say goodbye if you want to. If you think there’s something beyond, I don’t think goodbye necessarily applies.
You say goodbye with your heart; you feel your feelings. We cannot say goodbye for the other person; we can only say goodbye for ourselves.
The best thing I have ever heard was from a friend. His mother was in very bad shape and in a coma off and on. He went and sat with her. He held her hand while he told her what a great job she had done raising him. Then he told her that her job was done and when she thought she was ready it was time to move on. He felt that she was hanging on for the folks that she loved. She passed in her sleep the next day. I think part of us hears when loved ones speak to us and even if we are unable to respond the words and thoughts have meaning. Sometimes we all need permission for the next step so that we don’t feel that we have work left to do
I never know what to say in these situations. Words just seem … so empty.
Maybe we don’t have words or ability to say goodbye because they are not really totally gone from us. Their body is gone but for the rest of our lives we encounter them. A thought, a smell, a story, a phrase, nickname, joke, favorite food, a color, a smile, eyes . . . And for brief moments they are with you again.