https://condenaststore.com/featured/hes-a-curmudgeon-now-jb-handelsman.html
Oops
I went backpacking this weekend in Arkansas, down close to the Buffalo National River. This is a wonderful and beautiful area. If you ever get the chance to visit there, do so.
I am driving there to meet my son and one of my brothers who are trekking with me. I get a little south of Harrison, Arkansas and I realize that I need gas. At this point I am getting very close to being in very rural Arkansas. Now don’t get me wrong. I lived in Arkansas for fourteen years, and I found many things to love about it. However, some of its reputation is deserved.
I pull into a run-down looking convenience store. Sitting in front of the store is this snaggletooth woman somewhere between 40 and 65 years of age. She is smoking a Continue reading “Oops”
Seinfeld Revisited
In the building where I work there is a gym on the ninth floor. It is not a big gym and the locker rooms are tight. You go down a hallway, and if you go through the door on the left it is the ladies’ locker room. If you go through the door on the right it is the men’s locker room.
Twice now it has so happened that as I was changing a female has walked through the wrong door into the wrong locker room. First time it happened it was a young lady who works at the same company I work at. For a month afterwards, I could not look her in the face.
It happened again last week. I was standing there in nothing but my shirt preparing to put on my running shorts. A young woman walks in, and she suddenly gets a very perplexed Continue reading “Seinfeld Revisited”
You have already arrived
Robin and I are driving from St. Louis down to Fayetteville, Arkansas to see our
granddaughter and incidentally, my son and his wife. I do not quite remember what it was, but something occurred that started me grumbling.
Realizing what I was doing I remarked, “I’m turning into a grumpy old man.”
Without missing a beat by ignoring the rest marked on the score, Robin replied, “Turning? You have already arrived.”
To which I said, “Thanks… I love you too.”
Her question back to me was, “You did say dirty old man, right?”
Thinking she is trying to recover her faux pas, or perhaps she really did mishear, I clarified, “No I said grumpy old man.”
Again ignoring the rest marked on the score, she barbed, “Well that too.”
Footwear?
Robin just cracked me up so bad my stomach started cramping.
When we were in Mexico my flip flops broke so I started wearing a pair of hers. They are a little more colorful than I would normally wear, but hey I won’t see these people again.
What happened next I am blaming on my new footwear. I am getting a sushi roll, and while I am waiting for the young lady to make it, the gentleman behind me in line starts up a conversation. As I am leaving I swear he winks at me. Since I thought it a little funny, I told Robin about it.
On New Year’s Eve there is a big celebration at the resort. I see the gentleman again and I know for sure that he winks at me this time. Again I tell Robin.
We are going through Robin’s pictures this morning. At the resort they had set up a dance floor on the beach and Robin had taken a picture of the people dancing. Right there in the foreground was my friend. I point him out to Robin. Her comment, “Why he is cute!”
Things That Go Bump in the Night
The Wee Dog has developed a habit of coming on-board the bed in the middle of the night. When she does this she either snuggles in between Robin and I, or she tries to clean my face. The first I do not mind; the second I am desperately trying to redirect.
Lily stands maybe 14 inches at the shoulder. Our bed stands 32 inches above the deck. This means the critter must get a running start to jump 2 ½ times her height, and she can only do it on my side of the bed. On a good leap she just barely clears, and it is usually the thump of her legs hitting the side of the bed that awakens me. Occasionally she misses and Continue reading “Things That Go Bump in the Night”
My Christmas Wish
My Christmas wish is that the gun owners of America would gather together and collectively give the NRA the bird. They would then work collectively to push Congress to pass sensible gun regulations that would protect their rights as sportsmen while protecting all of us from the current mayhem of gun violence.
That is my wish.
Bitch Slapped by Wee Dog
Robin recently added a member to our family, the Wee Dog aka Lily. I’m not a big pet person. Not because I do not like cats and dogs, but I just do not find the work and responsibility associated with them being outweighed by benefits gained. Robin is not of my opinion.
The Wee Dog is a rescue dog and as such came with a set of baggage and benefits. One of the benefits was that she was already house trained. Since we have had her there have only been a few “accidents”, and always late at night. To prevent such re-occurrences Robin shuts the Wee Dog up with us in our bedroom at night. Robin does not seem to mind what would be to me an onerous chore. She is quite willing to get up in the middle of night to let Lily out to do her business.
Now the Wee Dog does not bark to notify us of her need, she licks. She has a dog bed she sleeps in for the most part, but when she needs to go out she jumps up in bed with us. She almost always does so on my side. I theorize that she does this because our bed is high and she is short. On my side she can get a bit of a running start to make the leap. For some reason of late she has started licking on me which does not make sense as I never take her out in the middle of the night. I really do not like a dog licking me, especially when it is to wake me up. After a short period of time she gives up and starts to work on Robin.
She did this routine the other night, but the way the Wee Dog situated herself to attack Robin with her tongue left her tail in my face. The Wee Dog is an enthusiastic being, and she is particularly enthusiastic when she is licking one of her humans. Like all dogs this enthusiasm plays out via her tail which she was wagging vigorously. However, with my face where her tail was, she was bitch slapping me with each and every wag of her tail. That night I did expedite the situation by nudging Robin.
Pit Bull Christmas
I have a hypothesis that is likely totally bogus, but I am running with it anyway. My supposition deals with older women and pets, particularly cats and especially small dogs. As a woman passes the age of fecundity, as she passes the period of child rearing she does not lose her mothering instinct, her need to nurture. Small dogs fulfill this role admirably. Small dogs are not so big as to overwhelm one, or so big that they take over the house. Small dogs are in most ways much easier to care for. They are frequently very loyal and loving to their primary care giver. Plus, many are as cute as the proverbial speckled pup under a red wagon. Another one of my hypotheses is that as the genders age, they become similar. I’m betting this one has a less of a chance of being bogus. One reason I think this is that you frequently see older men with small dogs. Perhaps they are walking them for their spouses. Continue reading “Pit Bull Christmas”
Slip and Slide Christmas
Time frame was the early 90s. My daughter Keely had been out of the home for 3 or 4 years. It was Christmas time. Now my ex-wife has lots of fine traits, but Christmas is 
not one of them. For her Christmas IS the time of year. I always said after she had completed her decorations (which seem to compound year by year) that the house looked like a bordello. She started buying Christmas presents sometime around August 1. For her Christmas is all about friends and family, giving, feasting and enjoying each others company.
I, on the other hand… Do you remember Ebenezer Scrooge’s famous line, “Bah Humbug”? In certain circles it is a well known secret that he actually stole the phrase from me in one of my previous reincarnations. Christmas IS not my favorite time of year. If I am in a really jolly mood in any one year, I just try to maintain and make it through.
At that time we live in Alma, AR. To help you locate Alma it is just outside of Fort Smith. Fort Smith is on the Oklahoma border Continue reading “Slip and Slide Christmas”