Author: Rev. Joe Dirt

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Please, not in public…

Señora and I were running around the other day, remembering I needed a charging cable for my phone, we stopped by Wally World.  On the way out we passed a Christmas display causing me to “sing” out loud, somewhat sarcastically, “Fra la la la – la la la.”

Señora’s almost immediate reaction was to say, “You really should not do that in public.”

I disingenuously asked, “What?”

“You really should not sing in public,” she elaborated.

“I thought you liked it when I made a ‘joyful’ noise?”

“I do, at the house, not in public.”

“Well,” I said in a huff, “that is one of the meaner things you have said to me.”

“I am just trying to protect you,” she went on.

“Protect me from what?”

“I would not want to see you pelted with rotten tomatoes. It makes doing the laundry tough.”

“It will be a while before you hear me sing again,” I heard the pouting me say.

Was that a long sigh of contentment I just heard coming from Señora’s direction?

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God, Guns & Trump: A Jeremiad

I was in Memphis, TN this weekend and saw this bumper sticker – God, Guns & Trump – on the back of a small, older pickup truck with Mississippi tags.  The sad reality is that I could have seen this sticker many places; they are just more common in that part of the country.  I live in St. Louis which is not what I would call a particularly liberal or progressive area, but it is an island of sanity in the red cesspool of MAGA Republicans of rural Missouri and southern Illinois.  I see many bumper stickers of a similar ilk around here too.

God, Guns & Trump…To me this encapsulated the sickness that is currently inflicting our country.

God:  While I understand people’s need for religion, I am not a big fan. My personal opinion Continue reading “God, Guns & Trump: A Jeremiad”

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One or the other…

I spent this past weekend in Memphis to play a little golf with a friend there.  I drove down Friday evening and we played Saturday and Sunday.  I hooked up with my golfing buddy Saturday morning at his house.  Because we were going to take his vehicle to the golf course I was rummaging around in my truck, getting out golf clubs, shoes, etc.  This is when I discovered my bicycle helmet in the backseat, triggering an idea for a little fun.

Before I went into his house I put the helmet on my pointy little head.  I then walked around inside his house  for a good 3 or 4 minutes without my buddy, his wife, their son or a visiting aunt saying a word, asking me why I had on the bicycle helmet.  I was waiting for the question, “Why are you wearing that helmet?” I was going to answer, “Because I have been golfing with Steve before!”  – Ba-dum-tssss –  I finally asked, “Is anyone wondering why I have on the bicycle helmet?”  Apparently they were not, perhaps they were practicing good manners by ignoring a faux pas by a guest.   I gave them my punch line anyway… tough crowd, at least they did not pelt me with rotten tomatoes.

Either I need to get a new set of comedy writers or dive deeply, searching my twisted, troubled, tortured, tragic, traumatized, tail-spinning ghost of a soul on how the world perceives it and me… or both.

And so it goes.

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Exhibit A

For about as long as I have know Señora she has been telling me her sh** does not stink.  My response has always been, “Really!?!”

Now there are just 3 souls in the house and one of those is The Wee Dog, the others are myself and Señora.  I walked into the downstairs bathroom the other day to do what one normally does in such places.  I discovered what I am calling Exhibit A.

Exhibit A

I was certain 110% that I had not done this, and that The Wee Dog could not get this high or aim that well, so by deduction, that left the culprit as Señora.  I can only conclude that her sh** really does not stink!

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One More Time, Again

The operation into the jungle against the enemy stronghold had been a cluster from the git-go.  We were pinned down, no way to retreat. The flanking units were in the same situation or worse. We had repulsed two frontal attacks, taking heavy causalities.  It was doubtful we would survive a third. The Lieutenant belatedly called for air support. After what seemed like a gut wrenching eternity, we heard the screaming of approaching jets, and then the whistling of the bombs and explosions, explosions much too close, one after another. I heard a particularly loud whistling, and just before the blast wave hit me, I remember thinking, “Someone really f*** up the coordinates.”

When I became aware again I found myself prone on bare, pebbly ground, naked and cold. Continue reading “One More Time, Again”

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Relativity

“When you sit with a nice girl for two hours you think it’s only a minute, but when you sit on a hot stove for a minute you think it’s two hours. That’s relativity.”

There is a current meme floating around with this Einstein quote. Investigating the veracity of the meme quote, one site concluded it was from a busy Einstein through his secretary to a bothersome reporter needing a quote.

What started my thinking of relativity Continue reading “Relativity”

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Word of the Day – Bougie

  • Adjective: Bougie

    1. informal + usually disparaging : marked by a concern for wealth, possessions, and respectability
    2. “Aspiring to be a higher class than one is. Derived from bourgeois – meaning middle/upper class, traditionally despised by communists.” So in modern-day English, someone who is bougie is creating an air of wealth or upper class status — whether it’s true or not.
  • Synonyms:
    1.  bourgeois
    2. pretender
    3. wanna-be
  • Usage:
    1. “Jesús and Marcella are so bougie they would drown if it rained.”
  • Encountered:
    1. Another student of my iTalki teacher in Guatemala had used this word with him. He asked if I knew what it meant.  Truth is I had never heard it before.  So I am learning English from my Spanish teacher.

To see more Words of the Day, visit this link: Words of the Day

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Amazing St. Louis by Charlie Brennan

This book is subtitled, 250 Years of Great Tales and Curiosities, which sums up this book perfectly.  If you live in St. Louis, have lived in St. Louis, know people in St. Louis or just have a general interest in St. Louis, you will find this book enjoyable.

Because it is a series of very short articles, it makes the perfect night stand book or a book for the bath room. I read the whole book over a period of time while visiting the throne room.

    • Did you know – that halitosis became a thing thanks to a St. Louis company
    • Did you know – that using flake to refer to a person started in St. Louis, thanks to Cardinal baseball player
    • Did you know – that Reddi-wip was invented by a businessman from St. Louis
    • Did you know – that if Colorado Springs had not gotten the Air Force Academy the next choice was Alton, IL, a town just up the river from St. Louis
    • Did you know – that a St. Louis doctor was  suspected of being Jack the Ripper
    • Did you know – that a St. Louisian, William Sherman, forever changed the face of warfare
    • Did you know – two brothers, both World Heavy Weight Champions, are from St. Louis
    • Did you know – Darth Vader got his start in St. Louis
    • Did you know – that there is a good argument for the first skyscraper being built in St. Louis
    • Did you know – that the movie Animal House was co-written by a graduate of Washington University in St. Louis, and may have been, in part, based on a fraternity there

Available from Amazon–  Amazing St. Louis

Also available as a used book from Abebooks – used copy Amazing St. Louis

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2 One sentence short stories

These would also work as the opening lines of much longer stories.  Selected Shorts, a NPR program, occasionally has a writing contest for stories of less than 300 words or so, anyway very short. These might be too short.

The Ceiling: A short story in one sentence

Wishing his nights were not inhabited by the demons of past missteps, the ghosts of lovers gone, and the general detritus of everyday living, he lay awake wondering how to get to the dawn.

Paris Dream: A short story in one sentence

She had dreamed of living in Paris her whole life, completing college successfully she moved there, only to encounter her first uncircumcised penis, immediately deciding that Schenectady was not so bad after all.

The first story obviously came Continue reading “2 One sentence short stories”